“The Holiday” and Attachment Styles 

Have you ever seen “The Holiday” with Cameron Diaz, Kate Winslet, Jude Law, and Jack Black? This movie has all the ingredients of a classic movie: the A-List cast, comedy, romance, great music, and heartfelt moments. Probably, the thing that makes it the most classic are the moments of complete heartbreak and recovery. These moments are actually a great look into the way that all of us handle relationships. Through these moments, the main characters are showing examples of attachment styles and the way that they impact their relationships. Taking e a closer look at these characters  can give us a greater understanding of ourselves. 

First, you may be asking what attachment styles are? These are the habits we have when connecting in relationships, informed by childhood experiences. There are either secure or insecure attachment styles, and there are subcategories of insecure attachment styles  which are: anxious, avoidant or disorganized. Individuals with an anxious-insecure attachment style have learned that they can’t rely on others to meet their needs which often leads to them being needy and distrustful within relationships. Individuals with an avoidant-insecure attachment have learned that they can’t trust their own perception or experiences which leads to them experiencing difficulty in engaging or showing emotion when they are emotionally distressed. Individuals with disorganized-insecure attachment learn to fear people they are connected to which may result in aggression, refusal to allow their partner to help in any way or being overly independent. When one or both individuals have an insecure attachment style, the message they may send to their partner is “I don’t want or need you” which only exacerbates the harm of betrayal in a relationship (Lewis). 

Amanda (Cameron Diaz) is admittedly always the first to leave a relationship. She has not cried since her parents divorced, and she cuts ties the moment she sees any sign that there is a future or a problem. This is a great example of an insecure-avoidant attachment. When she feels that there is a reason to, she pulls away and leaves the other person to wonder what they did wrong. Alternatively, Iris (Kate Winslet) is not in a relationship with the man she is infatuated with anymore; however, she hangs on to his every word and is looking for reasons to stay. This is an example of an insecure-anxious attachment. Individuals who attach with this style will become overwhelmingly concerned about the availability of their partner and often become too invested in relationships. A disorganized-insecure attachment style is a sort of combination of the two other styles. These individuals are afraid of emotional intimacy and relationships, but they still work towards them. The healthiest form of attachment style is a secure attachment. A secure attachment will occur when the relationships in one’s life are built with people that are reliable, committed, and satisfied in the relationship and equally dependent on each other (Mitchell et al. 222). This will allow an individual to be confident in their own strengths and to build up their partner as well as themselves. It also can allow someone to see at face-value what they deserve and whether or not a potential partner is going to be able to give them that.  

While the foundation for attachment styles is developed during early childhood, life experiences later in life can influence, to varying degrees, attachment styles. 

Any form of betrayal can be referred to as an attachment injury- a violation of trust that occurs when a partner is not available, emotionally or otherwise, during a time of stress. Attachment injuries can change a secure attachment into an insecure attachment and may exacerbate relationship problems that are due to insecure attachment styles (Mitchell et al. 221, 223). Although this is true, it is also possible for an individual to work towards changing their insecure attachment style to a secure one. This can happen when someone, who has been taught that their relationships are not safe, lands in a healthy, warm, comfortable relationship. Through consistently showing oneself to be trustworthy and committed, a partner can help them to feel safe and develop a secure attachment style (Amani and Khosroshahi 17). For example, Amanda was taught to allow herself to feel emotions through watching a potential partner who was openly showing his emotions first. Iris allowed herself to look for a partner who could really love her back through a safe relationship with someone who taught her to go after what she deserves. This wasn’t a romantic relationship either, the main lessons she learned were from Arthur. Although romantic relationships are a key way that we attach to others, anytime we rely on others, it can either reinforce or start to change our attachment style.  

There are things that we can do to fight against our own attachment style as well. When you know what the signs are of an insecure attachment, you can be aware of when they show up. This can allow you to fight against the instinct to react in an unhealthy or extreme way. It is important that in your current relationship, you strive to communicate often about these feelings  before, during, and after they come up. This can enable you to feel safer in the relationship and for your partner to have some insight into what they may be seeing. Therapy is also an important tool as a competent therapist can give more individualized help on how to attach in a healthier way as well as facilitate an understanding of where these habits may be stemming from.  

“The Holiday” is a good example of different insecure attachment styles and the fact that they can be changed through different experiences. Attachment styles are formed in childhood but can be changed throughout life within different relationships. Trust, safety, consistency, and healthy communication are essential for an individual to be securely attached in a relationship. 

Learning about one’s attachment style and how it impacts relationships can be a long journey- this can be the beginning of yours. We hope you choose to not let it end here.   

Written by Carly Larkin and Maren Hirschi, LCSW