Struggling to Shut Off Your Brain During Sex? Try Mindfulness
If you’re anything like me, your brain never stops running. You remind yourself to respond to an old friend’s text message only to get distracted by an email that you should have responded to several days ago, and then you mentally add something to your grocery list (which you will end up forgetting by the time you actually make it to the grocery store), all while thinking about the podcast you listened to that morning and looking at a social media post about your friend’s honeymoon in Hawaii. It gets exhausting. You may find yourself wishing you had a neurological remote control so you could push “pause” on the constant commotion and focus on the things that are most important to you.
While it may require a little more mental effort than just pushing a button, practicing mindfulness may be the solution to slowing your mind and blocking out the constant distractions that accompany daily life. Mindfulness has been shown to be just as effective as medication at reducing anxiety. It involves intentionally slowing your thoughts to become more aware of each present moment. By being fully engaged in your moment-to-moment experiences, you will be able to focus on the things that are meaningful to you without being overburdened by your never-ending mental to-do lists.
This is particularly beneficial when it comes to meaningful opportunities to connect with your spouse. Quieting your brain can be especially difficult during sex. Women may be more likely to experience distracting thoughts that keep them from enjoying intimacy. One national study of young married couples conducted by BYU researchers suggests a clear link between mindfulness and sexual satisfaction. Sexual mindfulness increases the consistency of orgasm and leads to greater overall sexual satisfaction, according to research by Dr. Chelom Leavitt and other scholars. Even for those who do not usually orgasm, sexual mindfulness leads to greater sexual satisfaction by helping them slow down and pay attention to moment-to-moment sensations. By focusing specifically on what they are feeling, individuals experience increased arousal and therefore greater potential for pleasure.
So how can you incorporate mindfulness into your sex life? Here are two concrete techniques.
Start by bringing attention to your breath. Focus on the rise and fall of your chest and how the air feels as it leaves your body. Is it warm or cold? Are you breathing fast or slow? Focusing on your breath can serve as an anchor when distractions arise. Any time you experience an unwanted thought, dismiss it by bringing your attention back to your breath. Using your breath to remain present can help calm your mind during sexual experiences (and day-to-day life). This blog from Mindful Magazine talks more about mindful breathing and offers a 5-minute guided breathing meditation.
Next, try body scanning. Body scanning is a type of meditation that involves tuning into your body to notice any sensations you may be experiencing. To do this, start by bringing your attention to your toes and slowly work your way up until you have scanned every part of your body. Focus on one specific spot at a time, and spend about 30 seconds focusing on the sensations you experience there. Pay special attention to any pain, tension, or pleasure you feel in each section of your body. This is another mindfulness practice that can help you connect with your body at any moment, but might be especially helpful during sex if you find your mind wandering. If you’re interested in learning more about body scanning, check out this article by Crystal Raypole.
Remaining present during sex can be difficult at first, but as you practice focusing on each present moment, you will learn how to “press pause” on your distracting thoughts – your 3rd grader’s science project due next week, your performance review at work tomorrow, and the messy closet that heartlessly resists every attempt at better organization – and find greater pleasure and connection with your spouse or partner. You will be able to expend your energy on the things you care most about in all areas of your life.
Check out the Utah Marriage Commission website for additional ideas to improve your sexual relationship.
Courtney DeBry was the primary author of this blog.