Speaking and Listening: Is Communication Really That Simple?
Communication is an essential part of relationships and is not always easy. Some people may find themselves in the frustrating loop of bringing up concerns or issues in conversations with their partner that never seem to lead anywhere. If this is something you can relate to, you might consider using the speaker-listener technique.
To use this technique, choose one issue to address. One person will be the speaker and will bring an issue to the table. Their partner will be the listener and the person who is seeking to understand the problem. The roles of both the speaker and listener are listed below.
SPEAKER
Take time to think about what you want to say
You may be tempted to address an issue the moment it comes up. To respond sensitively, take some time to consider what you want to say. Ask yourself: What do I want to get out of bringing this up to my partner?
Stick to your point
It is sometimes tempting to bring up every concern, gripe, or pet peeve when you finally get a chance to address an issue. This can be overwhelming and makes it nearly impossible for the conversation to be productive. Stick to the original issue for the best results.
Ask your partner to repeat back what they understand
If your partner can repeat the main ideas of what you said, you will know they understand what you are trying to tell them. If they misunderstand or misinterpret something you have said, you will be able to catch that and correct it before it adds to the problem. Remember misunderstandings happen all the time in communication, it is normal!
Use “I” Statements
Rather than saying, “You always _____.” or, “You never____.” try saying: “I feel____when you____.” Accusing people causes them to feel defensive and will make your conversation even more difficult. Telling your partner how you feel gives the conversation a better chance of moving forward.
LISTENER
Do not plan how you will respond
As the listener, it is your job to listen! You will have the opportunity to bring up your own issues later, but right now you and your partner are going to tackle one problem. This makes the process less overwhelming for both of you. If you are focusing on defending your own points or planning a solution to the problem, you are not truly listening.
Take note of the main ideas
Your job as the listener is to understand. Think about what your partner is trying to tell you. You may take mental note of what they are saying or even write notes down on a piece of paper if that is helpful to you.
Remember you cannot tell someone how they feel
Believe your partner when they tell you how they feel. It will bring your conversation to a standstill if you dismiss your partner’s feelings. Try saying, “I can understand why that is frustrating.” or “I can see you are sad and that makes me sad.”
Remember communication is difficult and it will take time and practice to improve. Work together as you strive to have better communication in your relationship. It takes two people to have an effective conversation! If this method feels overwhelming right now, pick one thing to work on with your partner. Try sticking to one problem per conversation or make it a goal to use “I” statements when addressing an issue. Practicing these skills will lead to good conversation habits. Communication is not easy, but you can find ways to make your communication easier. Find more great ideas to improve communication here!