Speaking and Listening: Is Communication Really That Simple?
Communication is an essential part of relationships and isn’t always easy. Some people may find themselves in the frustrating loop of bringing up concerns or issues in conversations with their partner that never seem to lead anywhere. If this is something you can relate to, you might consider using the speaker-listener technique. This is a communication technique developed by Dr. Howard Markman and Dr. Scott Stanley that they use in their excellent relationship enhancement programs. And most relationship enhancement programs teach something similar.
To use this technique, choose one issue to address. To practice, choose an issue that isn’t highly emotional or has frustrated you a lot in the past. Learn the technique before you dive into a more challenging discussion. One person will be the speaker who brings an issue to the table. Their partner will be the listener who is seeking to understand the problem. Then reverse roles. Here are the speaker and listener roles:
SPEAKER ROLE
Take time to think about what you want to say
You may be tempted to address an issue the moment it comes up. In order to respond sensitively, take some time to consider what you want to say. Ask yourself: What do I want to get out of bringing this up to my partner?
Stick to your point
It is sometimes tempting to bring up every concern, gripe, or pet peeve when you finally get a chance to address an issue. This can be overwhelming and makes it nearly impossible for the conversation to be productive. Stick to the original issue for the best results.
Ask your partner to repeat back what they understand
Pause periodically during the discussion to allow the listener to summarize what they heard you say. If your partner can repeat back to you the main ideas of what you just said, you will both know they understand what you are trying to tell them. If they misunderstand or misinterpret something you have said, you will be able to catch that and correct it before it adds to the problem. Remember misunderstandings happen all the time in communication, it’s normal!
Use “I” statements
Rather than saying, “You always _____.” or, “You never____.” try saying: “I feel____when you____.” Accusing people causes them to feel defensive and will make your conversation even more difficult. Telling your partner how you feel gives the conversation a better chance of moving forward.
LISTENER ROLE
Listen without thinking about how you will respond
As the listener it is your job to listen! You will have the opportunity to bring up your own issues later, but right now you and your partner are going to tackle one problem. This makes the process less overwhelming for both of you. If you are focusing on defending your own points or planning a solution to the problem, you are not fully listening.
Take note of the main ideas
Your job as the listener is to understand. Think about what your partner is trying to tell you. You may take mental note of what they are saying or even write notes down on a piece of paper if that is helpful to you. Periodically summarize for the speaker what you are hearing them say.
Remember you cannot tell someone how they feel
Believe your partner when they tell you how they feel. It will bring your conversation to a standstill if you dismiss your partner’s feelings. Try saying, “I can understand why that is frustrating.” or “I can see you are sad and that makes me sad.”
Remember: good communication is challenging and it will take time and practice to improve. Work together as you strive to have better communication in your relationship. If this method feels overwhelming right now, pick one thing to work on with your partner. Try sticking to one problem per conversation or make it a goal to use “I” statements when addressing an issue. And if this technique feels unnatural to you, well . . . it is! It’s not how we usually communicate. But it is how we can learn to communicate better. Really, all this technique is really doing is making you slow down and calm down as you talk about disagreements or conflicts, something most of us need to practice to get good at.
Practicing these skills will lead to good conversation habits. Communication isn’t simple but you can learn ways to do it better. Find more great ideas to improve communication here!