Smooth Sailing through Military Family Transitions

The first piece of wisdom I received as a military spouse was: “the only constant in military life is change.” And, boy, were they right. Servicemen and women (and their spouses) know all too well that being in the armed forces means that they and their families will experience many life transitions, big and small.

From deployments to specialty schools, drill weekends to trainings, military men and women come and go . . . a lot. These frequent goodbye’s and welcome-home’s can affect the natural flow of a marriage. Further, many families must relocate to fulfill military orders; this unavoidably creates waves—a ripple effect of change in work, school, health providers, friends, church, etc. This can cause a significant amount of stress for military couples.

In this blog, I’m going to discuss 6 ways to keep marriages smooth sailing during times of transition and change. This is the first in a 3-blog series for the StrongerMarriage blog focused on helping military couples that will be posted in honor of Veteran’s Day this year.

1. Strong Foundations:The Military Service and Marriage Review published by the National Healthy Marriage Resource Center revealed that how well (or poorly) a military couple fared during and after a deployment depended largely on how the couple fared before the deployment even took place. Strong, well-adjusted couples tended to handle the stresses of deployment better than couples who had strained marriages before the transition. The takeaway? Military couples should treat their marriages with care and intention at all times (just like every other couple), not just before and during deployments. Doing this creates a strong foundation of commitment and connection that will help military couples weather the “stress-storm” of deployment. Keep things ship-shape at all times and those transitional voyages will be smoother.
2. Keep Traditions Intact : The benefit of family traditions, especially for couples going through frequent transitions, is hard to overstate. Research finds that military spouses who maintain traditions during times of change or separation tend to cope better with their stressful situations. So, keep your evening dog walk, your pizza & movie night, your Sunday dinner with extended family, or any other wholesome tradition. Maintaining traditions, even when you are separated from your military husband or wife, can help carry you through. But you may need to be creative about how to do this. When my service-member husband is on orders, we talk on the phone every evening to reconnect, just like we do in person when he is home. This steady pattern gives us a sense of connection and normalcy and seems to diminish the family swells and waves that accompany frequent transitions.
3. Keep Communication Honest, Open, and Safe: Sometimes I feel scared or nervous about an imminent separation from my husband. Sometimes I feel numb. In any case, sharing with my husband about what I am feeling – instead of bottling it up inside – is helpful. Sometimes just talking through the issues is enough to relieve some stress. Before, during, and after a deployment, both spouses should communicate openly with each other, and take special care to ensure that the conversations flow without defensiveness or anger. Don’t compromise this vital coping and connecting strategy! If you need some help strengthening your communication skills, StrongerMarriage.org has blogs and podcasts and quick lessons that can help.
4. Family Calendar: Another simple yet effective coping strategy is just to create a family calendar, where all comings and goings are easily seen, and not just for the coming week. Having some time to plan and process an upcoming deployment or training is so much easier to handle than an unplanned or last-minute one. This strategy can be particularly helpful when there are children in the home.
5. Familiar With Finances: Changes in orders mean changes in pay. That is, when a soldier is deployed or undergoing lengthy training, their pay changes as well as health, housing, and other benefits. Learning about those changes before the separation is very important, both in taking advantage of all available military benefits and in avoiding costly mistakes. For example, during one deployment, our family’s health insurance changed from Tricare Reserve to Tricare Prime, and Tricare Prime requires preauthorization before certain medical appointments; Tricare Reserve did not require preauthorization. Had I not known about this change in benefits, I could have unwittingly disqualified our family from health coverage by neglecting to secure the proper authorizations! Close call.
6. Maintain Bond while Separated: Research has consistently shown that a major cause for concern and stress for deployed service members is communication with family back home. For me, the most turbulent separation from my husband was when we could not talk for 4 months; we could only write letters (and even those were unpredictable)! The easiest separations, however, were the ones in which my husband and I could communicate regularly. We were able to talk about each other’s’ days and share loving affirmations that strengthened our bond as we were apart. Accommodating for logistic and technological restrictions, military spouses should stay connected as best they can. Sometimes this connecting seems one-sided, like when a deployed spouse does not have consistent access to phones, cameras, and computers and can’t reach out as readily. When this is the case, husbands and wives at home may need to practice patience until circumstances change—all the while continuing to write letters and send pictures. At some point, the absent soldier will be able to communicate again, and the consistent efforts of the spouse at home will likely have helped carry the relationship during the lull. I’ve also seen products such as rings and bracelets that allow one spouse to send an electronic buzz or heartbeat to the other from anywhere in the world. While these may not be suitable for every deployed soldier and spouse, it could be used as a way for some couples to stay connected. Even when communication is difficult, effort should be made to keep happy and loving feelings in the marriage.

Military life can offer meaning and purpose for both servicemembers and their spouses. Military service, however, also comes with long separations and difficult transitions. Having some guidelines and tools to help lessen the difficulty can keep marriages smooth sailing through lengthy separations!

The next blog in this military couple’s series will focus on building a community of support and friendship. Come back next week!

This blog was written by Krista Alletto, an Army wife, mother of four, and social sciences enthusiast. She graduated from Brigham Young University in 2010 with a bachelor’s degree in Family Studies & Human Development and a minor in Sociology.