Sexual Communication 

Communication is an important part of having a good sex life full of intimacy, connection, and overall satisfaction5. Although it can sometimes feel daunting or even awkward to talk about sex with your partner, especially when you’re experiencing issues, research has shown that a willingness to do so can make a positive impact on how close you feel with your partner and how happy you are in your relationship8. 

When we avoid open, honest and vulnerable communication about sexual experiences and preferences, it only leads to greater issues and sexual dissatisfaction, and negatively affects the relationship as a whole. Sex educator Kate McCombs says, “When you avoid those vital conversations, you might avoid some awkwardness, but you’re also settling for suboptimal sex.”1. It may take bravery and vulnerability, but this kind of communication acts as a valuable investment in your relationship.  

There are many reasons why both men and women hesitate to bring up sexual topics. Perhaps they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings, or they feel uncomfortable about going into the details, or they want to avoid embarrassment, etc.6. As understandable as these concerns are, they matter very little when compared to the alternative - the ultimate dissipation of sexual intimacy and satisfaction. Although these concerns are understandable, the alternative to these conversations might be the loss of sexual intimacy and satisfaction on your relationship.   

When You Should Talk About Sex 

A great way to lessen feelings of discomfort and awkwardness when talking about sex is to find the appropriate time and place to have these conversations. Here are some tips to take into consideration1,6: 

• Don’t Blindside Your Partner: Let them know beforehand that you’d like to talk about sex, and then discuss a time and place that works for the both of you. Spontaneously bringing up your sexual problems and feelings when they are tired, hungry or just walked in the door would be unfair to them1. Additionally, scheduling the conversation lowers the possibility that this talk will arise out of anger or frustration9, 4. 

• Pick a Good Location: These conversations are intimate and should be discussed in a place that is private and comfortable for the two of you. However, try to avoid talking about sex in the bedroom or at bedtime6. Instead, for example, try talking together in the car while traveling. This may alleviate any feelings of pressure that could occur if the conversation happened in a place as personal as the bedroom. 

• Wait For the Right Time: One of the worst times to communicate about sexual problems or differences is right before or right after having sex. Talking about it beforehand may create tension and cause your partner to worry about meeting your desires perfectly1. Post-sex talk may come off as nitpicking or criticizing, resulting in feelings of insecurity1.

It is also important to have conversations about sex before getting married, even if you have already taken that step with your partner7. Sexual communication at this stage of a relationship can set the tone for how you’d both like to connect. Also, it can help reduce potential conflicts from popping up in the future. Before saying “I do”, ask about your partner’s preferences and their turn-ons. Determine what your sexual priorities will be as a married couple and be compassionate with one another7. Premarital counseling is also an option for couples who want to discuss sex before marriage but feel anxious about doing it on their own6.  

How to Talk About Sex 

First of all, it is important to understand that talking about sex should not be a one-time event. These conversations should be a normal part of your relationship at all times, especially as needs, desires and preferences change over time and with age. It’s vital that you check-in with your partner regularly. Remember, the more frequently you discuss sex with your partner, the less awkward and intimidating it will be6. 

There are many different sexual topics that are beneficial to discuss in a relationship. Depending on your situation, those topics may include1, 6: 

• Frequency of sex 
• Trying new things or introducing toys 
• Initiating sex 
• Lack of intimacy or connection 
• Sexual dysfunction 
• Pain during sex 
• Change in libido 
• Foreplay preferences 
• Sexual health 

At this point, you probably have an area of your sex life that you want to discuss with your partner, but you don’t know what to say or how to start. When it comes to beginning this kind of conversation, experts emphasize the need to take things slowly6. Start by expressing to your partner your desire to foster greater connection and intimacy in your sexual relationship. Show your willingness to do the work. In order to avoid blaming or criticizing your partner, make suggestions using “I” statements4. This is a great way of being sensitive to your partner’s feelings and framing your comments positively6. Here are some examples of what this could look like: 

• “I feel ” 
• “The way I see it ” 
• “I think it would be amazing if we ” 
• “I would feel good if we ” 
• “I like it when you ” 

It’s important that your partner knows that you value their feelings and experiences too, so ask questions about their preferences8. Show genuine curiosity about what position they enjoy the most or if they are satisfied with your foreplay. Then, create compromises that meet both of your needs6. Lastly, be honest9. Transparency and authenticity are crucial when it comes to communication about sexual needs and desires. However, it is never okay to coerce your partner into trying something they are not comfortable with9. Seek to find a middle ground where both of you are comfortable and satisfied. 

Get Help 

If you are still reluctant to talk to your partner about sex, seek help from a clinical professional3. Sex therapy is a great tool that can help uncover and resolve sexual issues within your relationship in a safe and supportive environment5. A certified sex therapist can teach you and your partner how to have open and honest communication so that you can work through any concerns or challenges and create a happier sex life2.

References 

1. Carey, E. (2020, November 9). Why talking about sex is a key life skill. Healthline. Retrieved April 21, 2023, from https://www.healthline.com/health/healthy-sex-partner-communication   

1. Holland, K. (2018, June 27). Sex therapy: Couples, techniques, and what does a sex therapist do? Healthline. Retrieved April 21, 2023, from https://www.healthline.com/health/sex-therapy#bottom-line  

1. Howard, G. (2021, July 26). Why you need to talk about sex. Psych Central. Retrieved April 21, 2023, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/doing-it-regularly-talking-about-sex#Addressing-sexual-issues  

1. How to Talk to Your Spouse About Sex with Amanda Ammon. (2022, February 25). Get Your Marriage On! With Dan Purcell. episode 71.   

1. Lockett, E. (2019, July 19). Boring sex: Ways to spice up the sex in your relationship. Healthline. Retrieved April 21, 2023, from https://www.healthline.com/health/boring-sex#solutions-and-tips     

1. Stritof, S. (2022, October 30). How to talk about sex with your partner. Verywell Mind. Retrieved April 21, 2023, from https://www.verywellmind.com/married-couples-should-discuss-sexual-problems-2300936  

1. Tartakovsky, M. (2013, November 5). 5 tips for discussing sex before marriage. Psych Central. Retrieved April 21, 2023, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-tips-for-discussing-sex-before-marriage#1  

1. Thorup, M., & Leavitt, C. E. (2020, April 29). Why sharing your sexual preferences may improve your marriage. USU. Retrieved April 19, 2023, from https://extension.usu.edu/strongermarriage/blog/why-sharing-your-sexual-preferences-may-improve-your-marriage  

1. Whelan, C. (2019, August 28). 9 happy sex life tips and how having one helps your health. Healthline. Retrieved April 21, 2023, from https://www.healthline.com/health/happy-sex  

Writing Credit: Mackenzie Morgan & Lauren Andrus