5 Relationship Books that Will Inspire You
Your Quarantine Reading List
1. The Gifts of Imperfection - Brené BrownHow it Will Inspire You:
Brené taught me that the only difference between people who have a sense of love and belonging and those who don’t, is that they feel worthy of it. That’s it.
As simple as it sounds, believing we are worthy of love can be one of the most difficult things to do. This is because it depends on our choice to do so. You, and only you hold yourself back from believing this to be true.
Brené’s book also taught me that we have to have the courage to be imperfect. If we spend our lives trying to please others and hide our imperfections, we will never be able to truly connect with them. Connection and joyful relationships come from opening up and being your authentic, vulnerable self.
This book also gives relatable examples of the many unhealthy ways we hide and distract ourselves from shame and pain. It makes you face your greatest unhealthy habits head on and empowers you to start dealing with buried pain and shame.
Favorite Relationship Quote: “When I let go of trying to be everything to everyone, I had much more time, attention, love, and connection for the important people in my life.”
2. Hold me Tight - Sue Johnson
How it Will Inspire You:
Dr. Johnson tells true stories about real couples experiencing heartbreak who are able to forgive and reconnect. You will read about these couples’ most vulnerable moments; moments that will break your heart and put it back together again.
One of my favorite stories is about a couple who, after years of heartache, finally discuss a “hurting moment” in their relationship, which caused them to slowly grow distant and resentful of each other. They are able to let down their guards and reconnect as they shared their raw emotions. This couples’ story taught me that even when we have the best of intentions for our relationship, we are still imperfect and can hurt the ones we love and ourselves. What’s important is that we never give up. Never stop trying to reconnect, don’t be afraid to talk about what hurts, and let go of the pride that inhibits you from truly empathizing and apologizing.
Dr. Johnson’s emotion focused therapy (EFT) yields real results in relationships because it requires couples to dig deep at their core issues and emotions.
Favorite Relationship Quote: “We have to dive below to discover the basic problem: these couples have disconnected emotionally; they don’t feel emotionally safe with each other. What couples and therapists too often do not see is that most fights are really protests over emotional disconnection. Underneath all the distress, partners are asking each other: Can I count on you, depend on you? Are you there for me? Will you respond to me when I need, when I call? Do I matter to you? Am I valued and accepted by you? Do you need me, rely on me? The anger, the criticism, the demands, are really cries to their lovers, calls to stir their hearts, to draw their mates back in emotionally and reestablish a sense of safe connection.”
How it Will Inspire You:
We all have a different primary love language. Chances are, you and your partner do not have the same one. All too often we assume that our partner wants to be loved the way we like to give and receive love, but this is not the case.
Reading this book made me take a look at my day-to-day relationship with my husband and realize that our moments of subtle disconnection often stem from a lack of speaking each other’s love language.
For example, my primary love language is physical touch. When my husband cleans the house and spends time with me, I feel happy and appreciative, but when he hugs me and cuddles with me, I feel loved. Every love language is good! But not everyone feels the same caliber of love from each language.
Knowing your own and your partner’s love language can be a huge revelation for your relationship. If you haven’t already taken the 5 Love Languages Quiz, click here to take it now!
Favorite Relationship Quote: “Our most basic emotional need is not to fall in love but to be genuinely loved by another, to know a love that grows out of reason and choice, not instinct.”
How it Will Inspire You:
Harville and Helen made a groundbreaking discovery: Talking is the most dangerous thing people do.
Couples who know how to talk have less problems. They focus on winning together and creating a safe space for each other to open up.
It’s hard for couples to talk about their needs and concerns without high tension and polarization arising. This is why people wait way too long to talk about and figure their problems. It’s natural to try to avoid conflict.
But conflict is growth trying to happen!
This book taught me that communicating with your partner is much less about what you say but how you say it. Talking about concerns and issues is so essential, but there is a constructive way to do so! Instead of complaining and blaming, clearly tell your partner what you want to be different. Instead of thinking of a response while your partner is talking, make an effort to truly understand them.
Favorite Relationship Quote: “Helen and I like to think of two people in a conscious love relationship as companion stars. Each person is a unique individual ablaze with potential. One is just as important as the other, and each has a unique and equally valid view of the universe. Yet, together, they form a greater whole, kept connected by the pull of mutual love and respect. They mirror the interconnected universe.”
How it Will Inspire You:
This book is a staple! To give some background, Gottman followed couples throughout their lifespan, observing their relationship patterns, measuring their stress hormones, and recording how they end up years down the road.
Gottman can guess with 85% accuracy if a couple will get divorced within the first 15 minutes of observing their interactions with each other. It sounds kind of scary, but this breakthrough discovery helps us know what we can do and avoid to make a marriage work.
This book taught me the importance of consistently getting to know my partners’ “love map”. Knowing who your partner is and what they value will reflect in your interactions with each other. Sometimes we think we know everything about what our partner thinks and feels, but the reality is that you and your spouse are both changing and growing all the time.
Gottman also taught me that conflict and negativity in a relationship are not taboo, they are actually essential in order to strengthen your relationship. What’s important is the way we go about expressing that negativity and responding to our partner’s negativity.
Favorite Relationship Quote:
“At the heart of the Seven Principles approach is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but through small gestures day in and day out.”