During the Fight: Perspectives and Skills for De-escalating Conflicts   

“Arrggghhhh! Fine, I give up. You literally don’t listen to anything I say . . . ever!”  

Whoa! That just got totally out of hand. Regardless of whether you now feel apologetic or defensive, damage has already been done. Those in a romantic relationship know this feeling; it can be challenging to navigate even simple conflicts, despite being with someone that you chose to be with and commit to. Navigating these kinds of everyday frictions is part of what makes relationships hard.   

Let’s first take some comfort in knowing this is to be expected in any relationship. Consider the number of interactions we have with our loved one each day, and then multiply that by the sheer number of different life experiences that impact the way we see the world. It’s no wonder that we often hear and understand things differently than our partner does!   

Data from a recent national study conducted by BYU researchers1 found that newly married couples report that they have frequent minor disagreements; the average being around 1-2 times per month (although these naturally range from “many times a week” to “only a few times a year”). Every couple is different; you and your partner might argue more or less often than the norm. However, if those disagreements are painful and stick in your mind for a long time, it’s a sign that you might need to make a change.   

Couples decide to end their relationship for many reasons such as an affair, struggling with commitment, financial differences, or substance abuse. If your relationship is in trouble because of an issue such as infidelity or substance abuse, consider getting some professional help. However, if you and your partner believe your issues come from struggles to effectively deal with and resolve conflict, read on—there is hope!   

Here are some research-backed tips to help you de-escalate conflicts, work to resolve them, and get back to a normal state of mind.  

1. Take time to chill out. Often, we try to address escalated situations too early, before one or both partners have calmed down enough to handle it reasonably. Be the one to say, “I feel like we need to talk about this, but I need to calm down first. I’m going to take a break and be back in 20 minutes. Can we discuss it then?” Consider a time and place that would be appropriate to revisit the issue. Then, go do something that will take your mind off the issue and allow you to refocus and give the situation your best. 

2. View the situation with optimism. Work to see disagreements in a different light. Remember: you and your partner are really on the same team. Disagreements are to be expected, and not every disagreement has to be considered a fight. Any amount of progress is a step in the right direction. And, if you and your partner are already committed to working through your issues together, you’ve already won half the battle! Some things you can do to bring the disagreement into a more positive light is meditating in order to find some personal positivity, or reading something to give you perspective (like this blog from the Utah Marriage Commission). 

3. Start soft. How a disagreement begins often determines how it will end. World-renowned marriage expert Dr. John Gottman suggests six skills for conflict management (read more about it here). A key skill is learning how to have a “soft startup.” When you begin raising an issue, start gently instead of confrontationally – a soft verbal tap on the shoulder instead of an oral punch in the nose – and the entire conversation will go better. Along with this, Dr. Gottman recommends using “I statements” to describe how you feel and avoid the three words “you,” “always,” and “never.” Here’s an example: use a gentle, nonaggressive tone to say something like, “Hey, honey, I’m sorry to bring this up again, but I felt so frustrated when I had to put your socks away last night. Can we talk about it?” See? You’re already off to a great start! (And when your partner says something like this, respond softly in kind.) 

4. Articulate as clearly as possible and stay focused. Once you’ve started, set your goal on communicating your thoughts clearly and achieving mutual understanding. Don’t skip over your really important feelings, but don’t hash out every issue you’ve ever experienced, either. Try to focus on just one issue at a time. Remember to be respectful and willing to consider your partner’s perspective. Hold off on judgment until feelings have been expressed and both partners feel heard. One simple way to do this is to show you’re listening by nodding your head, making frequent eye contact (no eye-rolling please), and following their words in your head (instead of thinking of your rebuttal). 

Though disagreements are common in relationships, they don’t have to be a source of scary stress for you and your partner! As you learn to navigate through these emotionally charged conversations, remember that you and your partner both chose each other once—and being committed means that you practice choosing each other again and again.  

Of course, we all slip up. So, check out my next blog on what to do to repair the relationship and build a stronger connection after you have a conflict.   

Emma Howlett is the primary author of this blog.