Marriage Communication 101: Why Shame Lacks Empathy
“I know you are struggling. I am trying to help you, but you keep taking all of this out on me and shutting me out. Can you take a moment and see how all of this makes me feel?”
A statement we’ve all said, felt, or heard: one person is trying to support the other in a time of emotional crisis. They are pleading to be heard as well and have their feelings be considered and valued. They need their partner to put themselves in their position and be willing to empathize with them.
How are my thoughts and actions affecting this person who loves me?
Too often when we are hurting, scared, and overwhelmed, we have been running so fast through the drama woods that we have face planted in The Swamp of Shame and can no longer see or hear others clearly.
So instead of empathetic consideration, our partner hears, “I get it, okay? I’m a terrible person. I’m selfish and I know it. My problems are ruining our relationship and you don’t deserve this. You deserve so much better than me.”
[Face palm]
We have all been on both sides of this situation. Whether we were the person going unseen and unheard by our partner, who is so caught up in their own emotions that they can’t hear us; or we were the one uttering, or simply thinking, the self-loathing beliefs that condemn us. For many of us, saying just how deeply we feel shameful thoughts and their rippling effects is too painful. So we silently drown in our assumptions and shut others out, especially our partners.
Why do we do it and how do we stop?
"Guilt says “I’ve done something bad. Shame says, “I am bad."
Being able to take responsibility for our actions and acknowledge our role in relationship issues is important. Guilt drives us to make amends, whereas shame is so painful we tend to lash out or disconnect. Sometimes both. Negative core beliefs are a driving force behind shame. They stop us from prying ourselves from the puddle of mortification we’ve been wallowing in and keep us emotionally mired down. Common negative core beliefs are:
- I don’t matter.
- I’m unloveable.
- I’m not good enough.
- I don’t deserve [anything good].
- I’m a failure.
- I don’t measure up.
- I’m wrong no matter what I do.
Our core beliefs were generally developed when we were young and we either spend our lives reinforcing what we already believe to be true about ourselves or we take deliberate actions to change them. If we believe we are fundamentally good and safe, we will see safety and goodness all around us, in spite of misfortunes and even catastrophe. If we believe we don’t matter or are unloveable, we will see evidence to support these ideas everywhere we go, as well as seek out relationships that support our beliefs, no matter who loves us and what good comes our way.
It is important to remember that behaviors like this are rooted in pain, generally deep-seated, and planted in childhood. We often don’t understand why certain things cut to the bone the way they do because our core beliefs were created when our understanding of situations was quite limited. All we know is certain things set us off, or “trigger” us, and we no longer seem to behave rationally and fairly, especially to those closest to us. They suffer the most because we love and need them so profoundly. The greater the need, the more frightening the potential loss.
Changing what we believe about ourselves and the world around us takes time and effort. As we work to change our core beliefs and allow ourselves to be vulnerable and honest with our partners, family, and friends, we will find that our shame transforms to guilt and we can recognize that poor actions are simply that and a sincere apology goes a long way.
In the earlier conversation, if we are able to hear our partner pleading with us to consider their side of the equation, how differently would we respond?
“I haven’t been considering how this is affecting you and I’m sorry. I’m so overwhelmed by this, and every time I look at you, all I see is how I don’t deserve you and you are going to smarten up and leave me. Then I act like a jerk to you to push you away and it just makes everything worse. What I really need from you is . . . ”
How much better would this be received? It opens the possibility for discussion, teamwork, and resolution.
There is a formula at work here:
- Take a moment (or longer) to get yourself centered and allow self-compassion to rise up. Tell your partner you need some space for this, or if you are the partner, allow your loved one to have the time they need to talk to you openly. If allowing space and time is new in your relationship, it might be helpful to establish a quick communication that says what you need. The person needing a break could say or text: I need some time to get my head together. Give me 30 minutes, or, I will come to you when I’m ready. Having been clear on what you need, the person supporting you has expectations that they can follow and not feel lost and helpless. These kinds of statements can also be used by the supporting partner if they are overwhelmed, frustrated, and need time to get their own compassion and perspective back. Other helpful statements from the supporting partner are:
- I know you are having a hard time and I’m here when you are ready.
- I want to support you. Just tell me what you need.
- Reassure them that you love them.
- Once you’ve found a good place to get your head together, figure out what you are really feeling. What core belief(s) are running the show? Then use compassion to push past those and be kind to yourself. As the partner, use the time and space you have to get in your own positive headspace and be ready to hear, support, and speak your truth in a constructive way.
- Ask yourself what you need from your partner. Are you looking for validation? Do you need them to just listen and not try and solve it? Maybe you just need them to hold you and help you feel loved and safe. Or take your hand and just sit with you, reassuring you that they are there for you regardless of your inexplicable ability to be human. My husband is a therapist and we generally stick to the expectation that he is my husband, not my therapist. But sometimes I need his expertise and insight. So I say, “Okay, I have a question for Therapist Craig.” This clear boundary has been very helpful in our marriage.
- Once you know what you need from them, ask for it plainly. Don’t expect them to read your mind. State what you need from them, and just as importantly, ask them what they need from you. We tend to need the same things, depending on our core beliefs and love languages. What you need can be established beforehand. Common things to need from a loved one are reassurance, affection, support/help with tasks, validation and a good listening ear.
- Be willing to sit in the muck with them for a while before they are ready to rally and move on. Whatever it is that has brought on this bought of self-reproach and subsequent poor behavior, whether big or small, the way it feels to the person stuck in it is very real and very big. Even if you can’t understand why their feelings get so big, we can all understand emotions like pain, fear, loss, loneliness, disappointment, and discouragement. Don’t nullify it and don’t force it into something more comfortable or productive. Just be there and allow them to find their way back to the light.
I have been on both sides of this dynamic. I have stood, baffled, at the actions, accusations, and irrationality of people I loved. I have also been the person triggered into a state of hyper-arousal over the most asinine things. (The details of my behavior will not be shared here so I can maintain some sort of dignity...) The key is taking the time to make a plan when we are in a good place. What patterns are being played out for you and your partner? How can you use intention to create a different ending to this same old, frustrating, and lonely song and dance? One of you will have to initiate the change, and together, you can rewrite the story to have a cozy ending filled with love and connection.
For my husband and I getting through the early bumps of a second marriage took deliberation, but we did it and we are stronger for it. We have utilized our skills, and adhered to the parameters we’ve set up when we are in a good place, so that when things start to get big, they fail to get ugly. We take space, we support, and we listen. He reassures me when I need it and I hold him when he is struggling. The love we share conquers the rest, and best of all, we are on the same team and everybody wins.
Related Resources:
Brené Brown has done amazing work on shame vs guilt, empathy, and vulnerability. All go hand in hand. She is a must read for anyone and everyone. She has TedTalks, online articles, and books that are filled with hilarious antidotes and relatability.
On triggers and how it affects the body and behavior:
The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel Van der Kolk