It's Not You, It's Me

Human behavior researcher, therapist, and author, Brené Brown shares in her book, “Rising Strong,” an incredibly helpful tool, especially for couples who are struggling with communication… or rather, the constant MIScommunication. She writes, “If I could give men and women in relationships, leaders, and parents one hack, I would give them, ‘the story I’m making up,'" Brown told Tech Insider. "Basically, you're telling the other person your reading of the situation — and simultaneously admitting that you know it can't be 100% accurate." When you say "the story I'm making up," Brown says that it conveys "I want you to see me and understand me and hear me, and knowing what you really mean is more important to me than being right or self-protecting." This exercise allows you the opportunity to step outside of the arena and check the narrative in your head.

The Lake Travis Story

In an effort to better illustrate this, Brown describes a situation involving her husband while on a family trip to Lake Travis in Texas, a place she affectionately calls her “magic lake”. One morning, the two of them went for a swim on the lake. Brené felt a rush of euphoric nostalgia as she shared a sacred childhood spot with her husband, Steve and said, “I’m so glad we decided to do this together, it’s beautiful out here.” Her husband, who is typically very affectionate, simply replied with, “Yea, water’s good” and swam away. Leaving her with an unreciprocated expression of affection. She described how she felt embarrassed and shamed and how her mind immediately conjured the negative self-talk of, “I just don’t look like I used to in a speedo anymore” and how angry and rejected she felt as they swam back to the shore. However, in an effort to truly try and connect with him, despite those feelings of shame and rejection, she attempted again and said, "This is so great. I love that we're doing this. I feel so close to you." He replied, “Yep, good swim” and took off again.

What is going on? I don’t know if I’m supposed to feel humiliated or hostile!

Brown was livid and thought, What's going on? I don't know if I'm supposed to feel humiliated or hostile. When they finally reached the doc, she explained to him how she was feeling and employing her life-hack, she said, "I’ve been trying to connect with you and you keep blowing me off…I don’t get it.” Brené described the mental gymnastics that went back and forth between Be kind to Get him! Ultimately deciding to go with the kind approach, she tried her new technique and said, “I feel like you’re blowing me off and the story I'm making up is either you looked at me while I was swimming and thought, Man, she's getting old. She can't even swim freestyle anymore. Or you saw me and thought, she sure doesn't rock a Speedo like she did twenty-five years ago." Steve seemed agitated, turned and said, “I don’t know what you were saying to me out there, I have no idea… I was fighting off a total panic attack during that entire swim. I was just trying to stay focused by counting my strokes. Last night I had a dream that I had all five kids on the raft and a speedboat came hauling towards us. I waved my hands in the air and he didn’t even slow down. I finally grabbed all five of the kids and went as deep as I could go. I held them down there until the boat passed. I knew, if we surfaced, we’d be killed.” He went on to describe how deep the water was, how little kids were, and how absolutely terrified he felt. He wasn’t ignoring her, he hadn’t heard a single word she said.

"Both nature and nurture lead us to off-load emotion and discomfort, often onto other people. The irony is that at the exact same time we are creating distance between ourselves and the people around us by off-loading onto others, we are craving deeper emotional connection and richer emotional lives."

Our stories are about self-protection. When under threat… we run by retreating behind attacking dialogues from our story. Employing Brown’s life-hack, you give the other person an opportunity to hear you, without internalizing the dialogue and taking offense. She asserts that a key component to making this successful is being brave enough to get curious about what is behind the emotion. In the Lake Travis story, her body shaming insecurity and his fear of being perceived as weak were running the show and writing the dialogue. Through this experience, she has mapped out steps to recognizing and owning our stories:

Step 1: The Reckoning: Walking Into Our Stories

“Recognize emotion, and get curious about our feelings and how they connect with the way we think and behave.”

• Have the courage to ask yourself...what am I feeling?

• Engage with your feelings. Your body can offer the first clue as to why you’re feeling an emotional reaction. This is important in identifying it because it offers insight to the injury that lies beneath the story. You don’t necessarily need to know exactly where the feeling is coming from, you just have to acknowledge it.

Step 2: Get Ready to Rumble: Owning Our Story

“Get honest about the stories we’re making up about our struggles, then challenge these confabulations and assumptions to determine what’s truth, what’s self-protection, and what needs to change if we want to lead more wholehearted lives.”

•  Ask yourself questions to uncover what is behind the feelings. Pushing through discomfort is how we get to the truth.

• Why am I being so impatient with my spouse and children today?
• What happened right before I lost my temper?
• I can’t stop thinking about what _______ said at work, why is it bothering me so much?

• Write it down. Mindfulness is a powerful tool. Brown suggests writing what she calls the “SFD” or the “Stormy First Draft” of our story before attempting to talk it through with them, giving us a chance to sort it out. Don’t worry about what comes out or how kind or rational it is, just get it out. Because our “grown up” minds tend to filter out the less than mature thoughts and emotions, allow the inner tantrum child within you to have free reign! “Our rational, grown-up selves are good liars. The five-year-old tyrants within us are the ones who can tell it like it is.” Get it all out because in the midst of your six pages of crazy, you may find something. 

• The story I’m making up…
• My emotions…
• My thinking…
• My body…
• My beliefs…
• My actions…

Step 3: The Revolution

“Write a new ending to our story based on the key learnings from our rumble and use this new, braver story to change how we engage with the world and to ultimately transform the way we live, love, parent, and lead.”

Regardless of who you were yesterday, it is never too late to write a different ending.

Getting honest enough with ourselves to “Rise Strong” and own our stories is not easy. We are not built to lean into discomfort or uncertainty easily, it is more instinctive to protect ourselves. However, if we want to live more “wholeheartedly” and experience healthy relationships, we have to be brave enough to try. Finding out what is behind your story is critical in healing the injured part of yourself that is creating disconnect and miscommunication with your spouse and other important relationships. 

"When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write the ending."