Is Anxiety Ruining the Mood in Your Sex Life?

Have you ever felt that your anxious tendencies may be affecting your sex life? Does your anxiety ever stop you from “getting in the mood”? 

Everyone, at one point or another, has worried about their performance or physical appearance during sex. “Does my little tummy roll turn him off?” “Does she actually like it when I do this or is she just pretending?” These anxious thoughts can take you on a roller coaster of emotion and result in a chain of unsatisfactory sexual experiences.  

Even having a general anxiety disorder that isn’t related to sexual experiences may spill over into those intimate moments. “If only there was a way to banish those anxious thoughts . . .” you might think.

Actually, sexual mindfulness is one proven way to lower anxiety levels and can lead to a more satisfying sexual experience.

In fact, recent research has shown that being nonjudgmental will not only make a sexual experience more satisfying, but it can positively impact your level of sexual arousal. A recent study by a team at Brigham Young University found that those with higher levels of anxiety suffered from lower levels of sexual arousal. On the other hand, participants with higher levels of mindful nonjudgment reported higher levels of sexual arousal. The good news is that as we focus on mindfulness, our sexual abilities can increase, while our anxieties can decrease.

In his research on mindfulness and romantic relationships, Dr. Jonathan G. Kimmes describes mindfulness as a process that includes two parts: healthy awareness and non-judgment.  Awareness encourages one to see things as they truly are and fully experience and appreciate each detail of an experience. Non-judgment allows one to let go of the negative thoughts that might interfere, which oftentimes spur self-doubt or self-consciousness.

When these two elements are used during a sexual experience, they have the power to break down walls of anxiety and help both partners have a more fulfilling experience filled with growth and connection. Awareness and non-judgment are not easy to achieve, but they can be practiced and eventually become more natural. Once this mindfulness becomes part of one’s state of mind, a person is better prepared to move past an impersonal kind of sex and fully embrace its exciting and powerful nature. You can capture this more personal and exciting kind of sex by staying in the moment and opening your eyes to see. 

Stay in the Moment

Judging yourself and your partner may be second nature to you during sex, but it can actually increase anxiety and decrease overall sexual satisfaction, especially for women. By gently dismissing judgmental thoughts and behaviors, you stay in the moment, which can diminish your nervousness, reduce anxious tendencies, and improve your sexual pleasure. 

Much of this ability to set aside judgment comes from awareness. Being aware is the ability to see and accept things as they are. In most cases, we filter situations through our own biases, which can twist our perception of a situation. Developing a stronger sense of awareness helps us be more in the moment and connect better to the experience.

Sexual experiences are physical experiences, but they are also deeply emotional experiences. Oftentimes, we might attempt to ignore or downplay these emotions because we feel self-conscious, or we do not feel comfortable accepting and expressing them. Healthy awareness helps us to better appreciate what our partner brings and to more fully enjoy the strong positive  emotions that come with this experience.

Healthy awareness can be practiced and improved by taking the chance to be aware and notice each touch or feeling that you may be experiencing.

 Concentrate on the sensations you are feeling and appreciate the beauty of the experience. A simple conscious effort to keep your eyes open during sexual experiences, for example, can help you stay focused on the present moment and the physical sensations. By doing this, you can’t so easily fantasize or make up your own version of the experience in your mind. 

Open Your Eyes to See

Western culture has made it acceptable for sex to be a very impersonal experience which has normalized multiple sexual partners, sexual scenes in movies, and the use of pornography in and outside of a relationship. It is also common for the lights to be off and both partners to have their eyes closed. These Western practices can keep you from connecting on a deeper level with your partner.

Attitudes or practices that make sexual experiences impersonal usually result in decreased awareness—where one might focus solely on their fantasies while missing or ignoring opportunities for an emotional connection with their partner. Do you miss the subtle look of desire in your partner’s eyes because you are evaluating your thighs? 

One of the best ways to banish these toxic ideas is to be fully present in sexual experiences by being able to clearly see both your partner and yourself. Experts suggest keeping your eyes open and keeping the lights on! 

Keeping your eyes open not only increases healthy awareness during sex and keeps it personal but can also but can also help you diminish the desire to judge yourself or your partner negatively. Eyes-open sex gives you the opportunity to truly appreciate your amazing body (even if you think it has its flaws) and feel less like you are performing. It helps you invest in the beauty of the experience you are having together, untainted by distracted or wandering thoughts. 

In short, mindfulness can encourage us to abandon unhealthy attitudes and staying under the covers so our bodies (and insecurities) are covered. Choose to stop hiding and open your eyes. See your partner and allow them to see you.

We could say that anxiety is the enemy of arousal. Who couldn’t benefit from a little less anxiety in their life?

Sexual difficulties rooted in anxiety will likely bring your sex life to a screeching halt. Achieving sexual mindfulness will take practice. Being a non-judgmental, more aware person can help in many other aspects of your life, but it won’t be an overnight change. It might require you to break down walls and literally open your eyes to things that may make you feel self-conscious or awkward. Relax your body and your mind so you can truly begin to feel the benefits of mindfulness.

While it may be uncomfortable at first, this type of discomfort is actually growth—and it’s a positive step! As a result, this mindful approach over time might not only help your sex life become much more satisfying both emotionally and physically, but it can improve your relationships and overall quality of life as well.