How Can My Partner and I Move Forward from an Abusive Relationship?
Samantha and Josh have been married for five years. Their relationship became rocky when Josh started getting angry more frequently. He would yell and throw things when he got home from work and even began hitting Samantha. She had finally had enough and decided to take the steps to leave to protect herself from his anger. Now, after months apart, they are both trying to repair the relationship. Samantha was hesitant at first, but Josh has been persistent in trying to make amends by attending counseling and implementing new coping methods to control his anger. Slowly, they have begun to rebuild their marriage and trust each other again.
Abuse in any form is never acceptable, and it can have a devastating impact on marriages. Like Samantha and Josh, if you have experienced abuse in your marriage and are striving to repair the relationship, it is important to seek help and take steps to move forward in a healthier way.
One of the most important steps a couple can take when recovering from abuse is to get trained help. Reaching out to a therapist, religious leader, support group, or even a domestic violence hotline can be incredibly helpful. Working with a professional can give you the tools to help you better understand the abuse and how it has impacted your relationship. It can also help you develop better communication skills, rebuild trust, and learn how to have a healthier relationship. Including a trained professional in your journey toward abuse recovery is vital to avoid falling back into old cycles or habits.
Online resources also can also be very helpful in creating a healthier relationship. The Utah Marriage Commission website serves as an excellent source for building better relationships through its blogs, guidebooks, podcasts, relationship assessments, online courses, webinars, and social media platforms that are based on research and the experience of relationship professionals.
The next step is to create a safe space for the two of you to be able to talk and do the hard work of repairing the relationship. This means setting aside time to have honest conversations in a safe place about what happened and how it has affected you both. It’s important to be open, honest, and understanding of one another. This means listening to each other’s feelings and trying to be compassionate and patient as you both work to repair the relationship. If you don’t feel safe being alone with your partner yet, ask a professional to guide the discussion or observe.
Discussions like this are also known as “crucial conversations.” Crucial conversations involve high stakes and emotions, and they can be difficult to navigate, but with some preparation and practice, you can master the art of having a crucial conversation. The first step is to prepare. You should take some time to think about what you want to say, how you want to say it, and how you want the conversation to go. You should also consider the other person’s point of view and what they may be feeling or thinking. Preparing ahead of time can help you stay focused and organized during the conversation.
Once you’re prepared, it’s time to have the conversation. Make sure to stay respectful, calm, and collected. Avoid getting defensive or argumentative, as this will break down the communication. Instead, focus on communicating your thoughts and feelings clearly and openly. Be sure to listen to the other person’s point of view and make sure to ask them questions without accusations to fully understand it.
Finally, end the conversation on a positive note. Agree to disagree, if necessary, but try to find common ground where possible. If you can reach an understanding or agreement, make sure to write it down so that everyone is on the same page. Having a crucial conversation can be difficult and stressful, but with the right preparation and approach, you can master the art of having a meaningful and productive conversation.
Moving forward, it’s important to set boundaries and establish healthy communication. This means setting rules and limits around how you interact with each other. For example, you will likely agree that you will not use any form of abuse in your relationship, including verbal, emotional, or physical abuse. It’s also important to practice your best communication skills and be willing to compromise.
Finally, it’s important to go beyond addressing the unhealthy aspects of the relationship to looking for proactive ways to build a stronger bond and connection. This could mean taking time to do fun activities together, like going on walks or visiting a favorite restaurant. It could also mean taking time to do special things for each other, like cooking a meal or giving a thoughtful gift. Doing these things can help to rebuild trust and create a more positive and healthy relationship.
For example, Samantha and Josh decided to start fresh by going on a weekend getaway. They spent the weekend exploring a new city and reconnecting with one another. They took time to talk about their experiences, share their thoughts and feelings, and simply enjoy each other’s company. By the time they returned home, they had begun to rebuild their trust and connection and were looking forward to spending more time together. This is not to say that one short vacation will instantly solve all of your issues. Being in a context outside of the home can be refreshing for you as a couple and help you bond, but it will not instantly resolve all of the deep-rooted problems that caused the abuse in the first place. Once you have consulted professionals and had some hard conversations, use this step as a way to start working on building the positives in your relationship.
Recovering from abuse is difficult and will take a long time (don’t expect results overnight), but it is possible. With the right help, support, and commitment to rebuilding your relationship, you can move forward in a healthy and positive way.
Claire Keller is the primary author of this blog.