How to Tell Your Partner When You're Not OK

I’m devastated my wedding is not going to be how I have always pictured it.

Our plans for the wedding have been greatly disrupted because of the COVID-19 pandemic. 51 days before our special day, government policies required us to limit the attendance of our ceremony to just 10 people, and postpone our reception. My wedding day is completely out of my control and this has caused me to be anxious, depressed and angry. I never would have anticipated something like this to happen and it has caused me to lose motivation in many areas of my life.

I am beyond excited to marry my best friend and that is all that really matters, but it’s still hard having to let go of my wedding expectations. 

"I know I can talk to my fiancé about anything, but I was still afraid of bringing it up. Will he think I am selfish or self-centered? Will he think I am overreacting?  Whenever I brought it up with my family members, I couldn’t help but burst into tears. How will I fully express to my fiancé the heartache I have been experiencing?"

I knew that if we talked about it, it would make me feel better. I wanted my fiancé to understand my feelings and the only way that could be done was through communication. I needed support and my fiancé couldn't know how to give that to me unless I opened up to him. 

It's not always easy discussing sensitive topics with our significant other.

No matter what you are going through right now, whether you are making adjustments to your wedding or shaken by current world events, here are three strategies that gave me, and can give you, the confidence to share your anxieties with your partner:

Write in a Journal

Writing in my journal before talking to my fiancé helped me to know what to say to him. It also helped me to name my emotions which gave me the power to tame them.

Spend Time Outside

Being outside has been found to lessen stress and anxiety, reduce mental fatigue and increase energy. Taking a walk or doing yoga in your backyard can relieve tension and promote mindfulness. 

I was so emotionally drained when I first found out our wedding was not going to go according to plan. Spending time outside helped me recharge my depleted batteries. This gave me a much-needed boost towards feeling ready to talk to my fiancé. 

Use “I feel” Statements

Using “I feel” statements helped me to be more assertive with my fiancé. It pushed me to be straightforward with how I was feeling. 

It can also be difficult trying to provide comfort to a partner who is struggling. Here are three tips on how you can be more supportive:

Show Empathy

Let your partner know you hear, see, and care for their emotions. I asked my fiancé how he felt about our wedding adjustments and he said it didn’t bother him very much. He explained, “I know you are hurting and that has been the hardest thing for me. I’m here for you. It’s okay to cry.” He put forth the effort to connect with me even though he had differing feelings. This was very therapeutic for me.

One of my favorite researchers, Brené Brown, teaches us more about empathy in this video, "Brené Brown on Empathy".

Being empathetic means you validate your significant other’s feelings. Avoid phrases like, “just be happy” and “don’t worry, everything will be fine.” Of course, you mean well when you say something like this, but be careful. It can cause a partner to feel guilty for having strong emotions. It takes a lot for your partner to open up to you and when their feelings aren't validated, it may cause them to feel insecure about being vulnerable with you in the future.

Psychologist, Dr. Jamie Long, explains what to say and not to say when it comes to validating your partner in her article "What is Invalidation? 5 Things You Shouldn’t Say".

Ask Your Partner What They Need From You

It’s difficult not to jump in and fix the problem, but rather listen to what your significant other really needs. Making assumptions can hurt connection while asking questions builds growth. Your partner might just need a listening ear and someone to give them a hug. 

Dr. Diana Raab, author, poet, and educator, provides tips on how you can sharpen your listening skills in her article, "Deep Listening in Personal Relationships".

It’s okay to grieve your cancelled wedding. It’s okay to feel good about things one day and not the next.

Turning to your partner for comfort and support can make your heavy burden light. After talking with my fiancé, I felt like I could see our circumstances in a more positive light. Our reception might be postponed for several months, but hey, that’s another day I will be able to wear my wedding dress! It can be scary being vulnerable with your partner, but doing so can strengthen your relationship with each other. 

You can do this.