How Can a Couple Recover from Betrayal? 

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you think of a betrayal from a spouse? For many, this is sexual infidelity. This is a devastating and complete betrayal that only fifty percent of couples are able to recover from (Kleine 212). However, it is not the only way to betray a spouse. There are other and more subtle ways that happen in everyday life that could cause a partner to lose trust that also need to be addressed.  Some examples of these more subtle ways include disengagement, any form of dishonesty or deceit, disregarding boundaries, not prioritizing one’s partner, or an intentional lack of communication.   

In order for a couple to heal from any kind of betrayal there are some steps that need to be taken in order for both partners to heal.  As with fixing any problem, the first step is to acknowledge that there is a problem.  In this case the problem is that a betrayal occurred.  If the partner who did or is doing the betraying is unwilling and/or unable to acknowledge both the betrayal and the harm it caused their partner, healing within the relationship won’t and can’t happen.  Relationship experts John and Julie Gottman and their team emphasize the importance of a conversation or series of conversations (52-53) after the betrayal is acknowledged that include the following steps that provide a blueprint on how to approach this conversation in a healthy and productive way:  

1. First, set up a specific time and place to talk.
2. Each partner has to put a name to the feelings they experienced during the incident without putting the blame on the other.
3. The partner who is hearing the thoughts of the other needs to listen without comment.
4. Each person should describe their perspective of what happened. While listening, only listen and try to empathize, do not interrupt or bring up your side until they are finished.
5. Discuss the deeper ingrained feelings that this incident may have triggered, such as from past experiences like former relationships or childhood.
6. Both partners should take responsibility for their part in the incident. Acknowledge the behaviors that hurt the other person, do not justify your actions. Take steps to avoid repeating the behavior that was hurtful.
7. Each person should apologize and accept the other person’s apology.
8. Make a plan to prevent this same incident from happening again. 

It’s important to remember that couples who want to heal their relationship after a betrayal are playing a long-game, and there are some additional important things to remember when trying to recover including: 

Commitment 

• It is important for both partners to commit to the future of their relationship. This way they can both know what they are working towards and trying to hold together (Mitchell et al. 231).  
• Discuss what the future should look like. Discuss what is appropriate and comfortable for both partners moving forward, particularly in avoiding a similar betrayal in the future, and commit to making that effort (Mitchell et al. 229).  

Openness 

• Apology and understanding of the pain caused (Mitchell et al. 222).  Both partners will need to communicate and work together to ensure that an apology and understanding of the pain looks the way their partner needs it to.  An apology is often much more than the words “I’m sorry”, though these may also be important. 
• Description of the event of concern.  This may be most helpful when done with a therapist to mediate what information is helpful or not. This can allow for the harm that was done to be lessened or for the injured partner to feel some relief (Kleine 213-214). 

• Giving meaning to the betrayal.  An important part of emotional healing is finding meaning in pain.  Perhaps the betrayal was a signal that the relationship needed to be strengthened or is an opportunity for the couple to start over and rebuild their relationship in healthier ways (Mitchell et al. 222) . 
• Taking responsibility for the situation (Mitchell et al. 222).  It is critical that both partners are accountable for their behavior that contributed to the betrayal.  Betrayals generally happen because at least one and often both partners were not giving 100% of themselves to the relationship.  Betrayals don’t generally happen within healthy, safe, and connected relationships. 
• Be transparent about how things are going with moving forward.  Couples will need to practice frequent, open and honest communication about what each individual is doing to heal from the betrayal.  They should consider specifically discussing what steps are  being taken and whether or not they have been successful with those steps (Pramudito and Minza 26). 

Benevolence 

• Make positive efforts towards growing intimacy and a trusting relationship.  Acts of kindness and tenderness from one partner to another are powerful signs of wanting to move forward. Acknowledgement of these positive efforts from the other partner are also very important (Fahimdanesh et al. 230). 
• John Gottman’s “sliding door moments” are important in showing a willingness to move forward as well. This means individuals choose to be aware of meaningful moments that could be easily missed and choose to show love and attention to their partner  (Gottman, 52).  

Social Support (Mitchell et al. 222) 

• A couple needs to feel that they have other people to talk to when necessary. It is also helpful when outside influence is positive about the future of a couple. If everyone is saying negative things and encouraging an end of the relationship, it will be difficult for the marriage to last. 

Forgiveness 

• Working towards forgiveness is a necessary step in being able to stay in a marriage after betrayal. This is a large factor in predicting overall marital satisfaction, which has an impact on the long-term viability of a relationship (Fahimdanesh et al. 222-223).  Forgiveness does not mean that the harmful behavior was okay, it means the individual who was harmed chooses to let go of anger and resentment about the behavior.  Remember, this is often a process and takes time. 
• When an individual chooses to forgive, feelings of hostility can be replaced by tender and loving feelings (Fahimdanesh et al. 222). 
• There are three types of forgiveness- avoidant, retaliatory, and benevolent. In cases where a spouse uses avoidance or retaliation in response to a harmful event, the ability to resolve conflict is negatively impacted. When benevolence is shown, conflict resolution is improved (Fahimdanesh et al. 222-223).  
• Once emotional and physical intimacy returns to a relationship, the couple can mutually choose to trust one another again as positive efforts on both sides are seen (Pramudito and Minza 25). 

Feeling betrayed is a powerful and hurtful thing to try to move past. These steps can help a couple begin this process. With efforts by both individuals and their support system which may need to include a competent marriage therapist, this is something that can often be accomplished.  Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that this is a process.  Do not let the discouragement overwhelm you if this is what you want! 

Written by Carly Larkin and Maren Hirschi, LCSW