Trusting and Forgiving

It's common for siblings who have a hard time getting along to yell, hit, kick, and even scream at each other. As parents, it can be frustrating and disheartening to hear our children bicker. We often lecture them about getting along and encourage them to "forgive and forget," expecting them to move on after apologies and hugs are exchanged. However, as adults, we know that when we experience betrayal, hurt, disappointment, or frustration due to another person's actions, we may also feel like screaming and kicking. We may not be so different from a child whose toy was taken away by an older sibling. Big emotions are not just for children, as it turns out. But as adults, do we still follow the rule to quickly forgive and forget? What if something happens that should never have happened, such as an affair, financial exploitation, or abuse? 

There is a common misconception about forgiveness. Many of us have been taught, and teach our children, that forgiveness means we move on from what was done and trust the offending person as if nothing happened. But something did happen, right? We learn from Geoff Steurer that while forgiveness can provide a release of suffering over something that happened and cannot be changed, trust on the other hand is never quick. “Quick trust is a complete oxymoron… You can’t quickly trust somebody.” Trust is something that is gained over time, yet can be broken in an instant. You can forgive someone who has assaulted you and gone to jail, but you don't have to trust that person again or even be near them again. 

If someone close to you has betrayed your trust, it can be difficult to know how to regain a sense of normalcy and trust again. However, it's important to recognize that growth is possible even in difficult situations. It isn’t the end of the road. It won’t be a single event where you and the person who wronged you sit together and suddenly iron things out. It will take continuous effort and “a tremendous amount of emotional regulation, self-regulation, and learning how to hold conversations about difficult things,” often involving some sort of outside help, accountability, and education. 

When a betrayal happens and forgiveness and trust are challenged, it’s necessary to acknowledge the need for changes to be made and boundaries set. The desire to get life back to normal is something just about everyone in tough situations goes through. Under new circumstances, it is reasonable to anticipate a shift toward a new norm. However, this doesn’t mean that everything will always be negative and painful. In fact, Geoff goes on to say that “if you try and get away from doing long-term work, then it will be years and years of setbacks and tears and struggle. But if you are willing to lean into it by having these conversations and do the healing work… then you actually settle down your own and the offender’s nervous system.” Taking the time to work through the hurt can make the experience easier and promote more healing. 

Be committed to working on healing. That may look different for everyone. But remember that while forgiveness can include trusting, it is not synonymous with trust. Trust is earned through time and effort.