A Great Personality: Why it Matters in Romantic Relationships

“You’ve got a great personality…” We’ve all heard it, and maybe even said it. Whether about a blind date who just isn’t your type, or a friend trying to break out of the friendzone, this compliment can be a cover-up: you’re not interested romantically in that person. To the hearts broken after being energetically complimented on their character: we feel for you. They let you know that they love your personality, and then comes the “BUT,” followed by an admission that they’re just not attracted to you or that they can’t handle your affinity for peanut butter pickle sandwiches. If your personality is really that amazing, shouldn’t there be droves of prospective partners vying for your heart?   

 

While attraction is an important component of romantic relationships, personality may be more important to relationship success than you might think. In this blog post, we’ll give you some facts to share with the next person who tries to let you down easy with a mention of your winning personality. More importantly, we’ll show you how various personality characteristics relate to relationship success.   

“The Big Five” 

First, let’s examine the key components of personality that experts have dubbed the “Big Five” personality traits: agreeableness, conscientiousness, openness, extraversion, and neuroticism. (If you want to know your own personality profile, take this 44-item Big Five inventory.)   

Agreeableness 

If others describe you as selfless, generous, and trusting, you’re likely a highly agreeable person. Of all the Big Five traits, agreeableness is the most important in predicting an easier adjustment to marriage for newlyweds and higher marital satisfaction throughout the marriage. Research has also shown that agreeable people have better relationships than those who are antagonistic because they trust in their partner’s affection towards them. As an agreeable person, your tendencies to serve, love, and trust can be a valuable asset in maintaining a secure, happy relationship. If they reject you because of agreeableness, well, their loss.   

Conscientiousness 

To be conscientious means that you are goal-oriented, disciplined, and organized. Besides being a generally good quality for academic and work pursuits, conscientiousness can be quite valuable in marriage relationships. Like agreeableness, conscientiousness is linked to happier relationships. This is likely because a conscientious person’s sense of duty makes them less likely to back out of relationships over minor difficulties. As a conscientious person, your purposeful approach to life helps your partner know that you are committed to them and take your relationship seriously. Maybe it doesn’t make you the most exciting person in the world, but your conscientiousness is a winning long-term strategy for relationship success.   

Openness to Experience 

Openness is receptiveness to new ideas, approaches, and experiences, which may be a huge asset in marriage relationships. Being an open person may decrease negative interactions between spouses, and openness in wives is even associated with higher sexual satisfaction for both partners. As an open person, your acceptance of new experiences can make for a fun, spontaneous relationship full of memorable shared experiences. Your partner is also likely to feel closer to you because of your openness to their different ideas and opinions. Essentially, flexibility is what makes open individuals thrive in relationships. Don’t undersell your openness.   

Extraversion 

If you are extraverted, you enjoy social interaction and are typically assertive and positive. The positive energy and sociability that extraverted individuals bring helps them adjust better to marriage and experience higher satisfaction with their marriage. As an extrovert, your enthusiastic attitude and effective communication with your partner can build a solid foundation for marriage success. Maybe your extraversion takes some potential partners out of their comfort zone, but it’s a positive trait to have in relationships.   

Okay. So far so good. But there must be personality characteristics that can be hard on relationships, right? Yep. Read on.   

Neuroticism 

Neurotic individuals are highly sensitive individuals who have a tendency to experience unpleasant emotions. If you are prone to anxiety, sadness, insecurity, or pessimism, you likely possess this trait. Because of the negative emotions that stem from it, neuroticism is the Big Five trait that is most associated with negative outcomes in marriages. If this is you, just understanding this risk is an important intervention. And all those things you are supposed to do to improve your mental health, well, those are great suggestions for creating better romantic relationships too.   

We won’t go into the specific negative outcomes of neuroticism on relationships here, but if you or a loved one have neurotic tendencies, hop on over to this blog [link to my blog 2: “How to Navigate Difficult Personalities in a Marriage Relationship”] for pragmatic tips on how to navigate relationships with partners who are higher on this personality trait. Your relationship fate isn’t sealed; love can still be yours.     

Bailey Bissegger is the primary author of this blog.