April 2, 2022
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5 Ways to Make Your Partner Your Best Friend 

Julie K. Nelson | Assistant Professor, CFLE, Utah Valley University

Of all the passions, responsibilities, and commitments you have in life, your marriage relationship should claim top priority. In the grand scheme of things, your marriage has the potential to be longer lasting and have a greater impact on society than any other endeavor you may pursue. Plus, being married to your best friend is…well, the best thing ever. 

Here are five ways to put your relationship first and increase your commitment to your partner and nourish the friendship. 

1. Greet One Another

This is pretty simple, but couples sometimes get lazy about it. Remember, you are not roommates; you are lovers. 

When you wake up in the morning acknowledge that your partner is there and alive. Dr. John Gottman calls these “Five-minute connections.” When you see each other at the end of the day greet each other warmly. “How was work? I missed you.” 

Greet each other verbally and physically. Compelling research shows that embracing for at least 20 seconds has many health benefits such as reducing stress and releasing the bonding hormone and neurotransmitter oxytocin.  

Give your partner a hug, a kiss, smile, or a kind touch when you pass through a room. These might be known as “Quick Connections.” Try to have at least one every time you cross paths at home but also text message during the day, “I was just thinking about you. Good luck with your presentation.” 

When your kids see these small daily acts, it teaches them how natural and easy it is to be best friends with your spouse. A young adult said about her parents, "They didn’t have to tell me what a healthy marriage was because I was seeing it every day through their example of love, friendship, and sacrifice." 

2. Small Talk

Small talk is like the water and sun that feeds a garden. This is not “business talk” like discussing bills or child discipline. Some call this “pillow talk” because it may happen at the end of the day relaxing in bed. But be sure your partner isn’t like mine who falls asleep the minute his head hits the pillow! I learned long ago not to be upset when he starts snoring during my soul-bearing soliloquies. I learned that bedtime was not the best time, but when he was rested and ready. Be sure this is your most attentive time, not your leftover time. 

Small talk means talking to your partner about their fears, worries, hopes, dreams, and goals.

When couples are dating, they seem to be able to small talk for hours on end. Once couples get married and things get busy, they may not dedicate as much time to small talk. Small talk with your partner every day for 10-15 minutes and listen without interruption. 

3. Praise

Praise is to your partner what sun is to a sunflower. A starved plant will go elsewhere for nourishment out of pure survival. Most people don’t wake up and confess, “Today, I’m going to cheat on my spouse.” Rather, this may happen over time if they are not getting the nourishment they need. They need to feel the sun again. And when they feel that light from another source, they turn, like a sunflower does. 

Create a “praise journal” if you need to become more aware of how often you do/don’t do this. Adults need at least a 5:1 ratio of positive comments to negative. Write down each day what criticisms and praises you say to your partner. What does that look like? Is your partner starved for praise? 

4. Have A Purpose

Know why you are together and married. Love is undoubtedly a part of it, but there is more to it than that. You are building a life together. What are your goals?  Create a “Map for our Life.” Review it often and enjoy the “fruits/flowers” that are flourishing because of your joint efforts. Having a sense of marital purpose will help you stay committed to the marriage. 

Break down the map by creating small, mutual goals and reviewing them often. Suggestions for goals are get out of debt and save for retirement, raise good kids, serve in community, etc.

5. Do Fun Stuff Together

“I dated to marry, and I married to date.” 

Consider this wise quote that suggests that dating should continue throughout the marriage relationship to build upon the intimacy of friendship two people share. 

Guard your date night carefully. Put it on your calendar as if it’s the most important meeting of your week because…it is! Be creative. Break out of rut and take turns planning. The more original, the better. 

One fun way to reconnect on a date night is to use the “36 Questions That Lead to Love” created by social psychology researcher Arthur Aron of the Interpersonal Relationships Lab at Stony Brook University in New York, who published his results in "The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness" in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (1997).

Review

In review, these are terms from this article to jump start connections to foster friendship in your marriage: 

“Five-Minute Connections” to start your day off right and greet each other at the end of the day

“20 second hugs” 

“Quick Connections” throughout the day

“Pillow Talk” to small talk at your best, rested time of the day

Document positives in a “Praise Journal” 

Create a “Map for our Life” with smaller goals for how to get there 

“Date to marry and marry to date”

Bonus Resources: 

For another great article on Friendship by the Gottman Institute, see https://www.gottman.com/blog/5-simple-ways-strengthen-friendship-marriage/

And these are “Small Things” podcasts because “successful long-term relationships are created through small words, small gestures, and small acts”https://www.gottman.com/podcast/