Sibling Rivalries in Adulthood: How to Mend Broken Bonds
When people think of sibling rivalry, they often imagine young children arguing over toys, fighting for attention, or tattling on each other. These kinds of problems are normal in childhood and often fade as kids grow up. But sometimes, the rivalry doesn’t go away. In fact, it can grow stronger and more painful over time, especially in adulthood.
Adult sibling relationships can become strained, distant, or even completely broken. Some siblings stop talking. Others feel jealous, angry, or hurt but don’t know how to fix things. If you’re dealing with this, you’re not alone, and the good news is that it’s possible to mend broken bonds.
Why Adult Siblings Drift Apart
There are many reasons why siblings grow apart as they get older. Here are some of the most common reasons:
1. Childhood Issues That Were Never Resolved
Old arguments, hurt feelings, or unfair treatment in childhood can carry into adulthood. Maybe one sibling always felt like the favorite, or another felt ignored. If these issues were never discussed or healed, they can still affect how siblings treat each other years later. This is a reminder of why talking things through is so important. Don't let pent up feelings fester and cause years of pain. It's important to have the hard conversations today to potentially save years of avoidable pain.
2. Life Changes
As adults, siblings often live very different lives. One might get married, have kids, or move across the country. Another might stay single, focus on a career, or struggle with health or money problems. These changes can make it harder to relate to each other or stay close.
As a younger sibling it was sometimes hard to relate to my older siblings who were married with children. However, we tried to find things we enjoyed doing together that gave us a reason and a purpose to hang out. It gave us an opportunity to meet on neutral ground despite our varying life situations.
3. Jealousy and Comparison
It’s natural to compare yourself to your siblings sometimes but doing it too much can lead to resentment. One sibling might feel jealous of another’s success, relationships, or lifestyle. To an extent, comparison can be good because it may motivate us to become better and reach farther. However, we can't compare ourselves too much or else we lose sight of the beauty of uniqueness and what we individually have to offer to our families.
4. Family Conflicts
Big events, like a parent’s illness or death, wedding planning, or splitting up an inheritance, can bring out old rivalries and cause new fights. Stressful situations often make small problems much worse. I unfortunately saw this with the marriage of a family member that brought much contention to my friend's family. Some people were unhappy with the union and were not shy about sharing their opinion. This caused hurt feelings and contention. Sometimes these situations are unavoidable but it's important that you as an individual do your best to calm the conflict instead of fuel it.
Signs of a Broken Sibling Relationship
Not all sibling relationships are super close, and that’s okay. But some signs can show that a bond is damaged and might need attention:
- You hardly talk or only speak during major holidays.
- When you do talk, conversations feel tense or awkward.
- You feel angry, jealous, or sad when you think about them.
- You avoid family events to keep from seeing them.
- You wish things were different but don’t know how to start.
If any of these sound familiar, it might be time to think about repairing the relationship.
Why It’s Worth Rebuilding the Bond
Siblings share a deep connection. They grew up in the same home, often with the same parents, memories, and traditions. I've been blessed with amazing siblings, and I can honestly say they are my best friends. I feel they can relate to me on a level others can't because we grew up together and it's nice to have those kinds of people in your corner.
Rebuilding a sibling relationship can bring comfort, support, and peace. It can help heal old wounds and strengthen your family. Studies show that strong family relationships are good for mental and emotional health. Even if you never become best friends, having a respectful and caring connection can bring relief and happiness.
How to Mend a Broken Bond
Reconnecting with a sibling takes time and effort. Here are steps that can help you start the process:
1. Think About What Went Wrong
Take some time to reflect on the relationship. What caused the distance? Was it one big event or a lot of small things? What role did you play? Understanding your own feelings is the first step toward making things better. It's important to be honest here too. It can be hard to admit you played a role in the distance, but it'll help you understand the situation so much better if you're honest with yourself.
2. Decide What You Want
Do you want to be close again? Do you just want peace? Knowing your goal will help guide how you approach your sibling. It’s okay if your goal is just to be polite and respectful; not every relationship has to be super close. Do what aligns with your soul. I believe that will bring the best outcome. No reason to force something if you don't want it.
3. Make the First Move
Someone has to take the first step. If you wait for your sibling to do it, it might never happen. Maybe they want to reconnect but they're too nervous to make the first move. Be brave and help rebuild that bridge. Send a short message, email, or even a card. Keep it simple, like: “Hey, I’ve been thinking about you. I’d love to reconnect if you’re open to it.”
4. Talk Honestly and Calmly
If they respond and want to talk, try to meet in person or have a real conversation. Avoid blaming language. Instead of saying, “You hurt me,” try saying, “I felt hurt when we stopped talking.” Focus on how you feel, not just what they did wrong.
5. Listen to Their Side
This part is hard, but it’s important. Your sibling may have their own feelings and pain. Listen without interrupting or judging. You want to be listened to so why wouldn't you give them that same opportunity? Understanding each other is key to healing.
6. Say Sorry—and Mean It
If you made mistakes, apologize sincerely. A real apology can help fix deep wounds. Even if your sibling hurt you too, taking responsibility for your own actions shows maturity and care.
7. Forgive and Let Go
Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget everything or pretend it didn’t hurt. It means you’re choosing to move forward instead of holding on to anger. Forgiveness can bring peace to both of you, even if the relationship stays limited. And more peace is something we're all looking for in life, right?
8. Set Boundaries If Needed
If your sibling continues to be rude, negative, or hurtful, it’s okay to set limits. You can say, “I want a better relationship, but I need us to speak respectfully.” Healthy boundaries protect your well-being and help avoid future problems.
9. Keep It Going
Rebuilding a relationship doesn’t end after one conversation. Stay in touch. Send a birthday message. Share a memory. Small actions over time can rebuild trust and connection. Just like a romantic relationship, sibling relationships take effort to grow. Don't give up!
When to Walk Away
Sometimes, even after trying, things don’t get better. If your sibling is abusive, toxic, or refuses to meet you halfway, it might be time to let go. Protecting your mental health is more important than fixing a relationship that causes harm.
Letting go doesn’t mean you hate them. It means you’ve done your best, and now you’re choosing peace.
Final Thoughts
Sibling relationships can be tricky, especially when rivalry and pain from the past carry into adulthood. But just like any other relationship, with effort, love, and patience, broken bonds can be healed.
You and your sibling may never be as close as you were as kids, and that’s okay. The goal isn’t to be perfect, it’s to find a way to respect and care for each other again. A little courage can go a long way in starting that journey.
It's never too late to try.
Related Resources
Easing Sibling Jealousy When Baby Arrives With 10 Simple Steps
Navigating Stepfamily Holidays: Creating Harmony During Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year’s
Disagree Better: It Starts With Me
Justin Fague reviewed this article. To reach out, please email healthyrelationships@usu.edu.