Dealing with a Family Member Who Doesn’t Approve of Your Relationship

Relationships are meant to be a source of joy, support, and love in our lives, but they can also introduce new dynamics, sometimes good and sometimes not so good, especially when it comes to family. While most families want what's best for their loved ones, sometimes a family member might not approve of your relationship and you just can’t pinpoint why. This can be deeply hurtful and challenging, as most people want their families to be a source of support. If you're facing this situation, it can be helpful to try and approach it thoughtfully and with compassion, for both your family member and your partner. Here’s some tools that might help you handle disapproval from a family member when it comes to your relationship.  

1. Try and Understand the Root of the Disapproval 

Before reacting too emotionally, take some time to understand why your family member might disapprove of your relationship. Their concerns could be coming from a place of care and protection, even if it doesn't feel that way and might come off as a little overbearing. Sometimes, disapproval is based on miscommunication, misunderstandings, or a fear of the unknown. 

Here are a few potential reasons behind their disapproval: 

• Concerns about your partner's behavior: Your family member might have valid concerns about your partner’s actions, such as past mistakes, a specific behavior that doesn’t align with family values, or simply just seeing you two as incompatible. 

• Cultural or religious differences: Family members might be uncomfortable with differences in religion, culture, or values that could affect your relationship long-term. 

• Fear of losing you: A family member may feel threatened or worried that your relationship is taking time and attention away from the family. 

• Jealousy or bias: Sometimes, disapproval comes from personal biases or jealousy, such as a family member who might feel you’re growing apart or who doesn't want to see you happy with someone else. 

Once you understand where they’re coming from, you’ll be in a better position to address their concerns with empathy and clarity. 

2. Communicate Openly and Honestly 

Communication is key when dealing with any relationship, including with family. Approach the conversation calmly and respectfully, and without defensiveness. Express how their disapproval makes you feel, but try to avoid becoming aggressive. Instead, focus on sharing your perspective and how you feel about your partner. This will show your family member that you value their opinion but are also confident about and capable of your own choices. 

Here are a few strategies for productive communication: 

• Acknowledge their feelings: Start by validating your family member’s concerns. You might say, “I understand that you care about me and want what’s best for me,” or “I can see why you might be worried.” 

• Be clear about your feelings: Share how you feel about your partner and the relationship. Explain what it means to you and what it adds to your life. This can help your family see things from your point of view. 

• Set boundaries respectfully: If the disapproval continues to be harsh or judgmental, it's important to set boundaries. Let them know that while you respect their opinion, the relationship is yours to navigate. For example, “I understand you’re concerned, but this is something I’m going to work through with my partner.” 

Remember that healthy communication is a two-way street. Encourage them to share their concerns, but don’t be afraid to express your needs and emotions. 

3. Take Time to Reflect on Your Relationship 

While it’s important to consider your family’s concerns, don’t ignore your own feelings and intuition. Is your relationship healthy and fulfilling? Is it meeting your needs, emotionally and mentally? Sometimes, family disapproval can highlight valid concerns you might not have noticed before. Take some time to reflect on the relationship objectively and make sure it aligns with your values, goals, and happiness. 

Ask yourself: 

• Is there anything about the relationship that might not be right for me? 

• Have I noticed any red flags that I’ve overlooked? 

• Am I truly happy, or am I staying in the relationship to please others, avoid conflict, or fill a void? 

Reflecting on your relationship helps you make more informed decisions and gives you the confidence to explain your position to your family. 

4. Show Patience and Respect for Differences 

It’s important to remember that changing someone’s perspective takes time. If your family is initially resistant to your relationship, don’t expect them to immediately accept it. Be patient with them. Over time, their feelings might change as they get to know your partner better and see the positive impact the relationship has on your life. 

In the meantime, show respect for your family’s perspective. This will make a huge difference in the long run. Just because they don’t approve doesn’t mean you have to cut them out of your life. Try to maintain healthy relationships with your family members while still prioritizing your relationship. Balance is key, and it's possible to have both in your life without sacrificing one for the other. 

5. Have a Support System Outside of Family 

If you're struggling to find support from your family, turn to your friends or other mentors for advice and comfort. Having a network of supportive people who understand your relationship can help you navigate difficult family dynamics. Sometimes, having outside perspectives can provide clarity and emotional support when you’re dealing with family disapproval. 

Discussing the situation with a therapist or counselor can also help you process your feelings and guide you in making healthy decisions for both your relationship and your family life. 

6. Know When to Stand Firm in Your Decision 

While you should always approach family conflicts with empathy and respect, there are times when you may need to stand firm in your decision. Sometimes you might need to put up boundaries. If your family is being unreasonable, disrespectful, or harmful, it’s okay to prioritize your own happiness and wellbeing. In relationships, respect, trust, and understanding should be mutual. If your family is unwilling to respect your relationship, you may need to create some distance while maintaining respect for them. 

You don’t have to choose between your partner and your family, but you do need to protect your mental and emotional health. Trust yourself and the choices you’re making. 

7. Give It Time 

Lastly, understand that family dynamics can take time to shift. Sometimes, people need space to accept new situations. Don’t expect everything to be resolved overnight. Allow time for both your family and your partner to adjust. During this time, keep the lines of communication open, and be patient with both your family and yourself. 

Dealing with a family member who doesn’t approve of your relationship is absolutely a challenging situation, but it doesn’t have to drive a wedge between you and your family or your partner. By communicating openly, understanding their perspective, reflecting on your relationship, and respecting everyone’s feelings, you can navigate these rough waters. Remember, at the end of the day, it’s your happiness and wellbeing that matter the most. While family approval is important and can feel good, your choices are yours to make. Be kind, be patient, and trust in yourself and your gut as you work through these tough conversations. 

Related Resources: 

7 Ways to Navigate Boundaries and Family Expectations As a Newly Married Couple 

How to Know When You're Ready for a Relationship: Red Flags and Green Flags 

9 Step Guide for Maintaining Your Individual Identity While Building a Life Together 

Justin Fague reviewed this article. To reach out, please email healthyrelationships@usu.edu.