The Lost Art of Listening - Heather Holmgren
The session explores effective listening, emotional regulation, and conflict resolution techniques to help couples strengthen their relationships. Heather's insights are rooted in her extensive experience and personal journey, making this a valuable resource for couples of all backgrounds.
Time Markers
00:00:00: Introduction by Nyah Phelps, welcoming attendees to the webinar hosted by the Utah Marriage Commission.
00:00:30: Introduction of Heather Holmgren, her background, and expertise in relationship counseling.
00:01:06: Overview of the webinar's focus on listening, emotional regulation, and conflict resolution.
00:01:35: Instructions for asking questions via Q&A and details about CEU credits.
00:02:46: The importance of engaging with a beginner’s mind and growth mindset.
00:03:42: Emphasizing the significance of commitment in relationships.
00:04:07: Exploring different relationship communication styles and their impact.
00:05:44: Highlighting the importance of having matching communication styles in relationships.
00:06:15: Introduction to the webinar's table of contents and the importance of listening.
00:07:26: Discussing the necessity of good mental hygiene and emotional regulation.
00:09:13: The importance of attuning to deeper meanings and emotions in relational listening.
00:10:17: Research findings on the importance of listening in relationship satisfaction.
00:11:10: Differentiating between relational listening and stonewalling.
00:12:14: Techniques for practicing good mental hygiene and emotional regulation.
00:13:19: Introducing the "Wheels of Feelings" app for improving emotional vocabulary.
00:14:18: The significance of naming and regulating emotions to prevent emotional flooding.
00:15:22: Understanding emotional flooding and its impact on relationships.
00:16:55: Discussing triggers for emotional flooding and strategies for managing it.
00:18:18: Identifying situational stressors that affect emotional regulation.
00:20:06: Practical techniques for improving emotional regulation.
00:21:26: Guided breathing exercise for emotional regulation.
00:22:37: Encouragement to research polyvagal theory for better emotional regulation.
00:23:05: The practice of noticing and relaxing the body during conflict.
00:24:04: The benefits of naming emotions and their physical sensations.
00:25:13: Techniques for experimenting with ways to shift out of emotional flooding.
00:26:03: Transition to discussing relational listening skills.
00:26:32: Rules of engagement for relational listening.
00:27:25: Example scenario to illustrate attuning and summarizing skills.
00:30:15: The importance of summarizing and clarifying in relational listening.
00:31:17: Emphasizing the need for validation in listening.
00:33:29: Techniques for validating a partner's feelings and needs.
00:35:30: Addressing the underlying issues in conflicts about "nothing."
00:36:30: Understanding the deeper meanings behind conflicts.
00:37:29: Strategies for managing dysregulation during conflicts.
00:38:18: Encouragement to take breaks and co-regulate during conflicts.
00:40:36: Preparing to practice relational listening skills with a video example.
00:41:37: Video example illustrating missed listening opportunities.
00:43:05: Demonstrating a do-over using relational listening skills.
00:45:16: Encouraging deeper understanding and connection through listening.
00:47:11: Transition to the live Q&A session, starting with a question about avoiding vs. stonewalling.
00:48:07: Answering questions about prioritizing process over content in listening.
00:49:29: Discussing the focus on emotions in summarizing and clarifying.
00:50:46: Providing information on how to access presentation slides.
00:51:11: Tips for helping a partner reengage after emotional flooding.
00:51:48: Strategies for coaching clients through relational listening in therapy.
00:53:16: Affirming the usefulness of relational listening for perpetual conflicts.
00:54:17: Advice for dealing with a partner who struggles with listening.
00:55:20: Concluding remarks and final thanks to Heather and participants.
About Heather Holmgren:
Heather has found that all marital conflicts fall into two categories: Either they can be resolved, or they are perpetual, which means they will be part of your lives forever, in some form or another. Simple Modern’s relationship and marriage counseling is designed to support couples across all economic, racial, sexual orientation, and cultural sectors.
Understanding the ups and downs of couple relationships, eccentricities of gay, poly and trans dynamics, and the complications of living alone but wanting connection, she is able to get to the heart of what each individual and relationship needs to not only survive, but find happiness again.
Heather is a transplant from extreme Northern Utah. Growing up in the country wasn’t always easy, but it taught her a thing or two about majority culture, majority religion and feeling different. After many years of trying, failing, and struggling, Heather finally found her way into a life that she loves. Hell yes! That life just happens to involve the fine Salt Lake City, an 1890’s eclectic Victorian, a community garden, two dogs, a cat, a couple of kids and the partner of her dreams. Oh, and the absolute best clients in the world.
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