• INTERNET ADDRESSES FOR THE FAMILY by Thomas R. Lee
  
• DOING YOUR PART TO DECREASE "ROAD RAGE" ON UTAH'S HIGHWAYS by Glen O. Jensen
  
• UNIQUE NUTRITION FOR CHILDREN by Georgia C. Lauritzen, PhD, RD
  
• IS MARITAL CONFLICT HARMFUL TO YOUR MARRIAGE AND FAMILY? by Kevin A. Galbraith
  
• COMMON TRAITS AMONG STRONG FAMILIES by Kevin A. Galbraith
  
• DO I HELP MY AGING PARENTS ENOUGH? by Dorothy Woolley
  
• CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR AGING PARENTS? by Dorothy Woolley
  
• WHAT FATHERS CAN DO TO HELP THEIR DAUGHTERS by Sue Cardwell
  
• HOW IMPORTANT IS FATHER INVOLVEMENT IN THEIR CHILDREN'S EDUCATION? by Sue Cardwell
  
• FINDING QUALITY CHILDCARE by Diana Coyl
  
• TALKING WITH TEENS by Diana Coyl
  
• SCHOOLS CAN HELP KIDS THROUGH THE DIVORCE PROCESS by Lisa A. Newland
  
• PARENTING THROUGH A CRISIS by Lisa A. Newland
  
• SURVIVING THE STORMS IN A MARRIAGE by Colleen C. Harrison
  
• SOMETIMES, IT DOESN'T TAKE A VILLAGE by Colleen C. Harrison
  
• UTAH'S DOING SOMETHING RIGHT FOR KIDS by Brian Ramboz

Web Sites for Parents and Children

http://www.ala.org/parentspage/greatsites
The Librarian's guide to Cyberspace for Parents and Kids offers over 700 great sites.

http://www.patnc.org
The Parents and Teachers National Center is an international family education and support program for parents with children from birth to age 5. The program is for all families and offers things for parents, for professionals, the latest news, and information about international conferences and training opportunities.

http://www.ed.gov/pubs/parents
This site contains publications for parents. It offers electronic versions of popular pamphlets and brochures designed to address parents' concerns about their children's education.

http://npin.org
The National Parent Information Network provides a guide to Internet resources on issues affecting urban and minority families. Also included are short articles for parents about their children's schooling and for educators working with parents.

http://www.ksu.edu/wwparent
The homepage for The WonderWise Parent offers parents and professionals the opportunity to learn about parent-child relationships. Fee on-line courses, programs, radio commentaries, and humor are offered at this site.

The chances of being involved in an incident of violent driving are growing each year. The American Auto Association reports the chances of being involved have been increasing by about 7% a year since 1990. It is usually an error in someone's driving behavior that tends to trigger an incident of "road rage". Some would say the increases in aggressiveness on our highways are due to recession and social and economic frustrations. Others would say we are becoming a more violent group of people in all aspects of our lives. The entertainment and news reporting businesses use scenes and stories of violence to captivate our interests and spare time.

Utah Ranks High on "Road Rage"

Recent articles published on "road rage" indicate that Utah ranks 17th in the listing of the most deadly state for "road rage". Utah is even worse than Los Angeles according to the news reports. Some of the reasons given include less mass transit which forces more people, per 100,000 population, to use a car rather than some other form of transportation. Utah's major cities are not overly friendly to bicycle traffic or walking. Urban sprawl, such as strip malls and high speed roads, all contribute to aggressive drivers. Utah has a high rate of its citizens (73.9%) who use an auto to get to work. When you add to that figure all the places in Utah that have to use a car for shopping and running errands, there is a lot of traffic on the road. With the never-ending road construction and the dense population in parts of Utah, on top of the already existing problems, the contributing factors are high. If it is any consolation, Wyoming, Idaho, and Arizona have worse driving records than Utah when it comes to "road rage."

Some Suggestions

We can blame the violent-type behavior with an automobile on a lot of things, but if each of us monitored our own behavior, the problem could certainly be reduced a lot. Before taking to the highways, consider the following suggestions:

Start early enough in your preparations for work or errand running so you have a few minutes to focus your thoughts on something calming and relaxing before you leave home.

Tell someone how much you love and care for them prior to leaving for work. Your day will go a lot better and so will theirs.

Leave home with ample time to get to work. If you leave with little time to spare, then everything that slows you down becomes an irritant and a source of frustration to you.

Try to arrange your commute to work or errand running at times when there is less traffic.

Recognize, if you are leaving home under lots of stress, you are much more likely to act in an irresponsible fashion. Find ways to work out the stress in your life in ways other than irresponsible behavior behind the steering wheel.

Create a relaxing environment in your car. Select some calming music either from the radio or from a tape or CD. You might want to try singing happy songs to yourself.

Do not take traffic problems personally. Pause and marvel at how well most people obey the traffic rules. Most people are very courteous in their driving behaviors.

If someone is observed driving aggressively, avoid eye contact and never make obscene gestures showing your frustration. Use your horn very sparingly, if at all and obey all traffic laws. Slow down and get away from someone acting in an irresponsible manner. Note a description of the car and a license plate number and report the incidence to the police. Take a big breath and then go on with your business of driving to where you are going.

Be a courteous driver. Someone is much more likely to treat you courteously if you are courteous. Think of the damage that could or might be done to other drivers if you get someone outraged because of your neglectful driving.

Car-pool whenever possible. We all tend to act kinder to others when we are in the presence of other people.

Set a positive and responsible example to your children and spouse while driving. This will help them to avoid "road rage" either in themselves or other people. Children need to see us as adults acting in a socially acceptable fashion. Example is a great teacher.

Being angry or frustrated is not healthy for you or anyone else. Arriving at work or where ever you are going with added anger or frustration is not good for conducting what ever business you are going to do. Driving aggressively is not a good example of mature adult like behavior. Let each of us do our part in decreasing rage on the highways and let it begin with me.

Based on recent national studies on children nutritionists have some concerns.
* There a few changes in improving nutritional status.
* Low calcium intakes are common.
* Iron deficiency in young children continues.
* Children and teens are not following recommended eating patterns.
* Obesity is increasing among the youth.

A variety of groups have discussed these issues and made recommendations to change. It is becoming clear that children are recognized as not just little adults but as a distinct, separate population with unique needs. The 1995 Dietary Guidelines for Americans committee acknowledged this and recommend that at age two years, children "gradually adopt a diet that, by about five years of age, contains no more than 30% of calories from fat," and that this change be a gradual transition to a lower-fat diet.

Other professional nutrition groups and committees have recommended adaptation of the food guide pyramid, defined appropriate fiber intakes for children, the importance of balancing energy intake and physical activities while providing food for adequate growth, shifting from a nutrient focus toward a healthy food pattern, methods to get adequate iron in early life, recommendations to develop food-acceptance patterns in children, and suggestions to put our knowledge into practice.

On March 25, 1999, USDA released a new Food Guide Pyramid for Young Children which is an adaptation of the original Food Guide Pyramid released in 1992 and is targeted to children two to six years old.

The new Pyramid is based on actual eating patterns of young children as assessed by studies of actual food intake. As is true with the original pyramid a central focus is on variety. There are no "good" foods or "bad" foods. Physical activity is also important and balanced meals, moderation, and variety with emphasis on grain products, fruits, and vegetables.

The graphic (which is found at http://www.usda.gov/cnpp) shows foods that are commonly eaten by young children and some foods that children need to eat more often. The number of servings from each group is a single number rather than a range. Adjustment of serving size is recommended to provide for individual variation in energy and growth needs. The names of the food groups have also been simplified to one or two word titles.

The 16-page booklet, "Tips for Using the Food Guide Pyramid for Young Children 2 to 6 Years Old," includes the adapted pyramid graphic and accompanying information on good nutrition for children. The booklet is available to the public on USDA's Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion Internet home page at http://www.usda.gov/cnpp or through the Government Printing Office by calling (202) 512-1800 and asking for stock number 001-00004665-9 at a cost of $5.00 per copy.

References:

Picciano, Mary Frances, Lois D. McBean, and Virginia A. Stallings, How to Grow a Healthy Child: A Conference Report, Nutrition Today, January/February 1999, Vol 34, No 1, p. 6.

News Release, USDA Unveils Food Guide Pyramid for Young Children, March 25, 1999 United States Department of Agriculture, Office of Communications, New Distribution Room 46-A, 1400 Independence Avenue, SW, Washington, DC 20250-1340

Is marital conflict harmful to your marriage and family? It depends. Marital conflict occurs among the happiest of couples and can actually help couples strengthen their relationship. On the other hand, marital conflict can be related to emotional, behavioral, and social problems in children, and can lead to marital dissatisfaction, loneliness, depression, divorce, and even violence among couples. What is it about conflict that leads to such differences in family outcomes? Research indicates that the critical element in determining the impact conflict has on a marriage and family is how conflict is handled. Some couples have learned how to handle conflict in ways that help strengthen the marital relationship, whereas other couples have developed destructive patterns for resolving conflict.

The Nature of Conflict in Distressed Marriages

When disagreements common among couples are not adequately resolved, negative feelings begin to build. As these feelings build, they foster additional destructive patterns of behavior that undermine the relationship and make if more difficult to successfully resolve conflicts. During these destructive marital interactions, expressions of anger from one partner are generally met with escalating expressions of anger from the other partner, thus, rather than achieving understanding or resolving the conflict, angry and hurt feelings are tucked away as fuel for the next disagreement. Such interactions may escalate, leading to violence, or partners may even disengage from conflict and become emotionally withdrawn from the relationship, creating a greater distance between the couple. Thus, over the course of time, the relatively small and manageable disagreements that could have been resolved, lead to destructive patterns of behavior with have lasting effects on the marriage and the family. A closer look at literature on marital relations reveals patterns of marital conflict with have positive and negative outcomes for the family.

Harmful Conflict Resolution Tactics

1. Catharsis: "Catharsis," whereby "pent-up anger or frustration is released" through verbal or physical expressions does not eliminate conflict. Research indicates that expressions of uncontrolled anger actually increases family violence.

2. Verbal or Emotional Abuse: Never verbally or emotionally abuse your spouse. These forms of abuse have damaging effects and are linked to physical abuse.

• Criticism: Don't criticize your spouse; conflict is likely to escalate and your spouse is more likely to become defensive. Sarcasm can be a subtle, destructive form of criticism.
• Defensiveness: When defensive, you disown responsibility for playing a role in the conflict, thus, enabling conflict to carry on and even escalate.
  Disengage or Withdraw from Conflict: This is one of the strongest predictors of divorce. When this occurs, you or your spouse begin to emotionally withdraw from the other, creating a distance in the relationship and making it impossible to resolve differences.

  Positive Conflict Resolution Tools

• Cool Down: Research indicates that a calm, collected, rational approach to solving conflict is most effective. Don't react to emotions, rather adopt an approach based more upon logic and reason. If levels of anger are too high, cool down, then resolve the conflict.
• Understand Your Spouse Before Being Understood: Clear communication is a hallmark of effective conflict resolution. Differences can not be resolved if you don't truly understand your spouse. After listening, express yourself clearly in order to be understood.
• Refuse to Return Negativity for Negativity: When your spouse is frustrated or negative, potential conflict can be de-escalate by responding with a neutral or positive statement.
• Change: Be willing to change behaviors that may contribute to the problem.
• Gauge the Effectiveness of Your Conflict Resolution Steps: If effective, your efforts should: 1) lead toward an understanding of one another, or 2) lead toward a satisfactory resolution to the problem. At times, acquiring a greater understanding of one another's feelings is all that is needed to bring a sense of closure to the problem.
• Nurture the Relationship: Spend time together! Keep your relationship positive!.

Research has been conducted in an effort to identify traits and characteristics associated with strong, healthy families. From this research, families can acquire an understanding of practices that can be adopted to strengthen relationships and nurture the family unit. Five commonly identified traits include the following:

Commitment: Strong families have a high degree of commitment to the family as a whole. Members are not only committed to the preservation of family ties, they promote the happiness and welfare of other members. Commitment is also evident by the amount of time and energy invested into activities that strengthen the family.

Love and Respect: Love and respect are among the attributes that set happy, strong families apart from unhappy families. Members from happy families frequently express love and appreciation through words and acts of kindness.

Time Together: Strong families value their time together. Although they may live busy lives, a high priority is placed on family time and activities are regularly scheduled to keep relationships from drifting apart. These families spend time together through work, play, meals, and other activities.

Religious Orientation: Religiosity does not ensure that families will be happy; however, a strong religious orientation is among the characteristics of strong families. A shared faith among family members fosters spiritual strength and provides a sense of purpose and meaning to family life. A shared faith also fosters a common set of values that promote individual success and cultivates close relationships within the family.

Communication: A defining characteristic of strong families is their ability to communicate effectively. Family members enjoy spending time talking with one another and they listen well. Good communication not only facilitates cohesive relationships, it enables members to work through conflict in a constructive manner.

Although families cannot control all of the pressures and influences associated with negative family outcomes, there is much family members can do to strengthen the family. By making a conscious effort to implement practices that foster positive traits, members can nurture the family and build close family ties. These five traits are only a few on the many characteristics of strong families, although research suggests they are among the most important. Hopefully these traits will stimulate ideas as to things a family can do to strengthen the family unit. In addition, insight can be obtained from excellent material found in libraries, bookstores, and on the Internet.

Are you wondering if you are doing enough to help your aging parents? Maybe you are doing too much. Often the first hint that Mom or Dad needs help comes when a parent is newly ill or suddenly widowed. Then well-meaning middle-age children tend to jump in with advice, supervision, and decisions, sometimes without consulting the elderly parent. Not only should you avoid parenting your parents, but it is helpful if you can take it a step further and enhance their ability to be independent. Aging parents will almost always do better when they feel they have control over their lives. The best thing you can do is help them stay in control. Doing too much can be detrimental. Here are some suggestions.

• Rather than taking over the cooking for your parents, make it easier and safer for them to prepare their own meals.
• Rather than taking over the housework, encourage them to do as much of the cleaning as they can. Motion is good exercise. Inactivity is deadly to the human body.
• Rather than doing errands for them, find ways to get them to do as many as they are able. Getting out helps them maintain control of their lives and enhances physical and mental functioning.
• Rather than doing their finances for them, show interest and teach them needed skills. The point is to keep them in charge as long as possible. Mental exercise, such as paying the bills, reading, and writing letters, may ward off or delay the onset of dementia.
• Encourage activity. Hobbies, socializing, exercise, volunteer work, and activities of any kind are beneficial. "Use it or lose it" applies to both body and mind in old age. The busier and the more active your parents are, the better.
• Encourage reciprocity. It will be easier for them to accept help if they can give help. Most older people derive satisfaction from helping others. Give your parents the opportunity to help you when possible. Ask them for advice and let them do errands or tasks for you. Encourage them to share their abilities with others. Opportunities to use their wisdom and talents will enhance their competence and self-esteem.

Independence is a boost to the soul. People who are treated as if they are needy and helpless tend to become more needy and helpless. Giving up control usually results in losses to self-esteem and drive. Those who provide assistance to their parents should offer encouragement and social support. And, when it comes to doing tasks for your parents, the most important thing is to keep Mom or Dad in charge.

Many of us are concerned about our older parents, and well we should be. Fuzzy eyesight, diminished hearing, thinning bones, arthritis, poor balance, multiple medications, and other problems associated with aging, increase our parents' risk of an accident. Prevention is one of the best ways to help older people remain independent. A fall or an accident can lead to disabilities that reduce activity for the rest of their life. Nursing home admissions are often preceded by a fall. Take time to help make their home safer. Watch for these things.

• Stairs. In the interest of safety, a little rearranging may be in order. Stairs are particularly risky. Help them organize their living space so that they seldom need to go up or down stairs. Make sure every stairway has good lighting and a sturdy handrail that reaches all the way to the top and bottom of the stairs.
• Carpets and floors. Check carpets for loose or frayed areas and tack down any loose edges. Get rid of slippery rugs. Make sure floors are even and level. Where possible, avoid carpets with thick pile. Put a stable nonslip rug in front of the kitchen and bathroom sinks and other places where water occasionally spills.
• Clutter and obstacles. Clean up clutter. Clear pathways of wastepaper baskets, electrical wires, magazine racks, or other small objects. Look for places where your parent has to bend, reach, or step over something. Clean up anything that may get in the way or that may cause someone to trip or stumble.
• Bathrooms. Install grab bars in the bathroom, and install nonslip strips on the floor of the tub or shower. Considering buying a bench or chair for the shower so that your parent can easily rest if he or she becomes unsteady while showering. Use only sturdy nonslip rugs in the bathroom.
• Phones. Make sure there are telephones in the places where your parents spend the most time. Encourage them to get a cordless phone which they can carry from room to room. Emergency pagers are available which allow them to summon help by pressing a button.
• Lighting. Check the lighting in rooms and hallways. Old eyes usually need more light, and good lighting can prevent accidents as your parents move about the house. Make sure there is a light by the bed, and it needs to be easy to turn on. Consider installing night lights in hallways, bathrooms, and the kitchen.
• Entrances. Many falls occur when leaving or entering the home. Handrails, sturdy mats, and nonslip surfaces are particularly important here. A chair on the porch is a good idea. When entering the home, residents are sometimes carrying bags. It is helpful if there is a place for them to put things down while they open the door.

Helping your parents make safety improvements in their home is important. While they may be able to do most of these things themselves, it is difficult for most of us to examine our own home with a critical eye. The little inconveniences and hazards we live with become so much a part of us that we may not recognize the need for change. Preventing accidents is one of the most effective ways to help older people.

Evidence supports the idea that paternal involvement in children's lives is essential. Most research lists a variety of positive benefits to youth when their fathers take the time to invest in them. This is especially true with daughters. An absence of depression, drug abuse, promiscuity, eating disorders, and teen pregnancy have all been linked with positive family relationships when fathers are both physically and/or emotionally present. Fathers need to recognize the essential role they play in their daughters' healthy emotional development.

Where to Begin

It's been determined the best parenting style for normal development in children is an authoritative parenting style which consists of monitoring behaviors and setting limits, but also listening and being supportive of responsible decision your children make. Nowhere is this type of parenting needed more than between fathers and daughters. Daughters need to know that fathers care about them and are concerned for their well being. This, however, takes work and effort on a father's part. How does a father go about building a positive relationship with his daughter?

1. Start Early. Building begins when a daughter is young and continues well into adolescence. Most young girls who have spent time with their fathers throughout their younger years, are more willing to spend time with them during adolescence when it's less "cool" to be with their fathers.

2. Laugh & Play Together. A daughter needs to know there is more to life than work. Laugh with her and help her develop a sense of humor about what is happening in her life. Do things together that both of you enjoying whether that's fishing or going to the opera.

3. Ask Questions. Find out what is going on in her life and then listen without being judgmental to what she has to say. She needs to know you love her even if you don't always love what she does.

4. Set Reasonable Limits and Monitor Activities. One of the easiest ways to let a daughter know you care is by being concerned about where she is, who she is with, and what she is doing.

5. Share Emotions. Discuss feelings about things taking place in both of your lives. When daughters know that fathers have feelings too, they are much more likely to share what is happening in their own life.

Helping a daughter understand relationships with the opposite sex without the sexual implications are important for a daughter's self-definition. Fathers can help their daughters come to a better understanding of their potential when they develop a relationship full of love and caring. Allowing a daughter to make decisions without the threat of abandonment, either emotional or physical, helps her to regulate her own behaviors without compromising self-worth.

Taking the time to listen and being involved in a daughter's life will help determine future relationship. Daughters raised in loving and caring environments are much better prepared to meet the requirements of other opposite sex relationships they encounter. Daughters gain the confidence to handle life's challenges, not only during adolescence, but throughout their lives.

It is important to understand that any positive male role model can be a benefit. Because it is not always possible for a father's involvement, a grandfather, uncle, ecclesiastical leader, or close neighbor can help fill the role as long as the relationship is safe, caring, and positive.

There is no question that parental involvement in their children's education increases the likelihood of scholastic success. The more parents are involved in such activities as school meetings, parent-teacher conferences, attending school or class events, or volunteering at the school, the better the chance for their children to have higher grades, fewer incidents of repeating a grade, or less problem behavior which results in suspensions or expulsions. Most of the research, however, has been focused on mother involvement and we know less about contributions fathers' involvement makes to their children's scholastic performance.

Following are some important findings and suggestions:

1. Fathers in two-parent families are not as involved as mothers in two-parent families, but fathers in single parent families are as involved as mothers in two-parent families. It would seem that when there is only one parent, that parent fills the role regardless of their gender.

2. Fathers who are involved in their children's lives at home are more inclined to be involved in their children's lives at school. Items such as reading, attending museums or other educational facilities, etc., are often activities fathers participate in at home when school involvement is high. Fathers who share home activities are also more inclined to discuss future educational goals with their children.

3. In two-parent families, the strongest predictor of father involvement is mother involvement and her encouragement of father. Other important factors include father's educational level and number of family activities done at home.

4. Fathers' involvement has been linked to children's class standing, school enjoyment, and extracurricular participation. In both two-parent and single-parent families, fathers' involvement is associated with the likelihood of children getting mostly A's, their enjoying school participation, and their becoming involved in extracurricular school activities such as sports, drama, music, etc.

5. Although non-resident fathers are the least involved in their children's educational experience, when the non-resident father is involved, benefits to their children are similar to both two-parent involvement and single-parent involvement.

With research expanding more and more into the area of fatherhood, results will likely continue to show the important of father's involvement in many, if not all, aspects of their children's lives; the educational arena is only one.

General Information

During the last three decades the number of working mothers has increased substantially. Census data from 1997 revealed that 67.7 percent of mothers with children under 18 are working outside the home. In the early 1990s, the number of working mothers with preschool age children was nearly 60%. As more mothers with young children enter the workforce, the need for reliable childcare will continue to grow. It is estimated that approximately 13 million children under 6 in the United States experience daily care from someone other than their parents.

Clearly, one of a parent's greatest concerns is for the welfare of their children. If they do work outside the home, they want to know that their child is being well cared for in their absence. Some of the following questions may arise: "What child care options are available? How good is the care? How affordable is the care? How flexible is the care?"

Issues and Concerns of Parents

There are several important factors parents should consider when looking for a suitable child-care provider. Experts in this area recommend the following features.

• early-childhood education training of all staff
• a licensed child-care program
• parents' participation (some cooperative daycare programs have parents volunteer one day a week to help provide care and increase parents awareness of the day care environment and their child's experiences there)
• high staff-to-child ration

Although a licensed program may sound good, minimum child-care requirements vary from state to state, even in health and safety basics like knowing CPR or first aid. For example, the ratio of care-givers to children in Texas is 1 adult for 10 infants (12 to 18 months old). In Maryland the ration is 1 adult for 3 children up to 18 months old. In addition, most states don't license or inspect small family-care providers (e.g., those serving 3-6 children). Thirty-nine states and the District of Columbia don't require training before providers can care for children in homes. It may be more important to find out the type or level of training

Other additional questions or concerns parents may want to resolve include:

• >How well are children's basic needs met?
• When infant and toddler care is required, parents should talk with staff about infant to provider ratios. (Hint: the younger the child the smaller the ration between adults and children should be. For example, 1 adult for 3 infants is considered reasonable.)
• Do staff members understand child developmental stages and behavior?
• How often are diapers changed?
• Are the children fed enough?
• Are healthy and age-appropriate snacks provided?
• What sort of activities or daily agendas are provided?
• Can the provider respond to "special needs" of a family?
• Are there programs for school-age children to attend before and after school?
• Are there child care centers that provide care in the evenings, weekends, or when a child is sick?
• What arrangements are available if children need to be picked up after school or from home?

Finding Out About What's Available

Parents can inquire through their employee services office about available child-care options. Their employer may already provide child care services or be willing to subsidize child care costs. More hospitals are beginning to provide child care or referral services. Some university-run or public school programs have special programs for disabled children. Universities and two year colleges that have child development or family studies departments often have facilities on campus or community referral lists. Local churches can be another source for preschool programs. Some parents opt to advertize, interview, and hire a non-live-in nanny to provide care in their homes.

In choosing the right services for your children, a number of approaches might be considered.

A local chamber of commerce can provide information about licensing and accreditation of a child care provider or if complaints or lawsuits have ever been filed against a provider.

Word of mouth or reputation is another source of information. Seek the opinions of other participating parents or referral agencies.

Go and observe the child care program in action.

Don't be afraid to ask staff members direct questions about the quality and variety of services they provide. Childcare obtained outside of the immediate family can cost up to $10,000 a year per child. These costs represent a substantial investment for parents, and any investment worth making is worth doing a little research about beforehand, especially when it involves the care of children.

Adolescence has traditionally been viewed as a time when teenagers grow apart from their families. It is often characterized as a period of emotional upheaval, surging hormones, rebelliousness, greater conflict and distancing between parents and their children. More recent research describes changes in parent-adolescent relationships as a transformational process. Adolescents typically seek greater autonomy during their teen years, while maintaining close, warm relationships with their parents, if such relationships existed earlier.

Whether the first or second view characterizes your relationship with your teenagers, parents should be aware that family interactions usually go through some changes during the adolescent years. Typically the amount of time spent with family decreases as more time is spent on school, extracurricular activities, and friends. Adolescents are exploring new ideas and beliefs and are likely to present their opinions more intensely. They may be more critical of your opinions and attitudes. They often feel misunderstood by their parents, that their parents can't relate to what they are going through. For some parents, it may be difficult to remember a time in their lives when they were as idealistic or passionate as their maturing children may have become. The following are some suggestions that may be helpful to remember when interacting with teenagers.

• Condescension kills communication. Parents may be older and wiser, but reminding your teenagers of those facts doesn't typically persuade them that you know best.
• Avoid demeaning or belittling comments that send the message, "You don't know what you need or want, or your concerns aren't really that important."
• Avoid sharing your own adolescent experiences if you intend to use those stories or memories to demonstrate how much tougher it was for you.
• Do share your own experiences if you intend to demonstrate that you remember how difficult a particular event or problem can be.
• Listen without judgment. Adolescents are thinking, feeling, and experiencing new things; they are testing their wings. They need to share their experiences and get feedback.
• Acknowledge your teenagers experiences and their feelings about them. Acknowledgment isn't the same as agreement. You may disagree with their opinion or behavior choices, but letting them know you've heard them or you are willing to try and understand their point of view opens the door for greater trust and sharing.
• Try looking at things from their perspective. Try to remember when problems with friends may have threatened your social life or identity, when a pimple seemed like a sufficient reason to stay home from school, when not making a team or club was devastating, when not being asked out on a date was excruciating, or when your developing body could be a source of major embarrassment.
• Problem-solve with your teen. Approach a problem as a team. The adolescent years are intended to provide youth with opportunities to become more independent and to learn how to make responsible decisions for themselves. Don't take those opportunities from them by being "too helpful" or opinionated. In approaching a problem, first find out what they think would work and then share your ideas.

Many behaviors and attitudes are transitional during adolescents. As they experiment with new ideas, attitudes, and identities, allow them some latitude in personal expression, an unusual hair cut, style of dress, or opinion doesn't usually result in permanent damage.

Adolescence is a time of changes. Teens are experiencing changes in the ways they think about themselves, others, the world around them. New social experiences are happening. They may be experiencing new feelings or expressing their feelings more intensely. Their bodies are changing. Their sense of who they are often changes during adolescence. These changes can be very exciting or they can be very scary. They should be shared with someone they can trust. Wouldn't it be great if our teenagers felt they could trust us enough to share their experiences.

Although the number of children experiencing divorce has decreased slightly since 1980, children are twice as likely to go through parental divorce in the 90's as they were a generation ago. In a recent report, over 1 million children experienced parental divorce in 1990. A little over half of all recent divorcing couples had minor children. This means that divorce is more than a separation between marital partners, it is a separation between parents and children. What is the effect of the divorce experience on young children and adolescents?

Children experiencing the divorce of their parents often go through many changes. These changes, such as the loss of a parent in the home (usually the father), moving, and loss of income, can cause emotional stress for the child. This stress can be magnified by the occurrence of other events, such as remarriage, parental cohabitation, or multiple parental divorces. In addition, the stigma attached to divorce, sometimes termed "divorcism", can harm children's self-perceptions and perceptions of their family. The effects of this stress may show up in the classroom as behavior problems, poor school performance, or withdrawal from friends and teachers. Children from divorced families are also at risk for lower educational attainment than children from intact homes. These facts may leave teachers and school personnel wondering what they can do to help children through the divorce transition.

Recent literature suggests that children are better able to "bounce back" from a stressful event if they are equipped with certain protective factors. Several of these "protective factors" can be facilitated by parents as well as by teachers and others in the school environment. Here are some examples:

• Self esteem
• Presence of a trustworthy adult, such as a teacher or school counselor
• A good friend or classmate
• A belief that diverse family types are ok
• Good communication skills
• Ability and opportunity to express feelings
• Good problem-solving skills
• Ability to recognize which problems are under their control and solvable
• Appropriate methods of releasing anger
• A good social support system
• "Bonding" to one's school and community
• Clear rules and expectations

Knowing which factors help children adjust to divorce is the first step. What additional steps can teachers take to ease the child through the crisis period following divorce or other kinds of crises? Children experiencing divorce need a special protective environment within as well as outside of the family. The following factors can help facilitate a protective environment in the classroom:

Teachers are available if the child needs to talk. If the child wants to talk at an inappropriate or inconvenient time, the teacher can set up a time when they will be available and they can talk to the child confidentially. If they don't schedule a time, the child may not come back to talk.

Diversity of all kinds is valued in the classroom and school system. Fostering diversity in the classroom may also facilitate peer acceptance of various family forms. This theme can be carried out in learning materials and discussions as well. Teachers and other adults should explain to children why diversity is important, and point out that everyone makes a unique and valuable contribution to a group whether it be a class or society as a whole.

Classroom rules are short and specific. Children benefit from discipline that is fair and consistent, but not overly harsh. Also, letting children have a voice in the rule-making process will encourage them to follow the rules more carefully. It's important to realize, too, that some problems, such as tardiness or unfinished homework, may reflect a family problem rather than lack of responsibility on the child's part.

Observing students is often helpful. Taking notice of the social relationships in the classroom and on the playground might allow the teacher an opportunity to support a budding friendship between 2 children in similar family situations.

Activities which promote problem-solving skills are both fun and instructive. These might include group projects, outings which the kids have to help plan, or games. However, the tasks shouldn't be so lengthy or difficult that they require a parent's help. The point is to teach children to work together to find a solution.

Teachers and communities make school fun. Kids are more likely to feel close to their school-mates and "bond" to their school if time spent in the classroom is enjoyable.

Peer-mentoring is encouraged. If some children are more adept at certain tasks, letting them take the lead might help other children learn the necessary strategies to succeed. One or a few children shouldn't always run the show, however, as this may be harmful to other students' self-esteem.

Some of these suggestions may seem like common sense solutions. Others may require more creativity. Teachers are often one of the closest intermediaries in cases of divorce. At a time when parents are stretched emotionally and physically to adjust to the divorce, teachers and school officials offer a second resource for children.

Today's families face many kinds of crises which seem to be all too common: divorce, family illness, unemployment, alcohol and drug abuse, teenage behavior problems, gang involvement, teen pregnancy, inadequate childcare options, and family-work conflict to name just a few. Parenting on a day-to-day basis is often challenging. It becomes even more difficult when families are faced with one or more stressful changes. When faced with a family crisis, parents can use some concrete techniques to reduce their stress levels and keep their families emotionally close.

Be flexible. Times of extreme change can cause disruptions in routines and expectations. Try to listen to what your children need and follow their lead if possible.

Slow it down! Family time is important, but so is "down time", or time with nothing particular to do. It is important for both parents and children to have time to relax and reduce stress.

Invest time in family activities. Family time is often compromised by outside activities and busy schedules. Vacations and holidays are good times to have fun family activities.

Make meal time family time. Try planning a meal at least a few times a week when everyone can be present. Be creative! This may mean early morning breakfasts or late evening snacks.

Be honest with your children in order to build trust. If a stressful event arises, tell them the facts of the situation. Remember to keep the discussion at the developmental level of your child. A three-year-old may need a very simple explanation, while a teenager may need more details than you want to share. It's important to ask them if they have any questions and to check back with them in a few days to see if new questions have arisen.

Keep your interactions warm and positive. Parents under stress will sometimes pull away from their children due to depression, anger, or other psychological barriers. Be conscious of the verbal and non-verbal messages you are sending. Also give more hugs and acknowledge their accomplishments.

Keep your discipline style firm but supportive. Allow children choices when possible, but make your expectations known. Talk to your kids about what they think is the most appropriate discipline when rules are broken. This helps them to think through the consequences of their behavior.

Be optimistic about your family's future. Let your children know that all families have challenges and that you will work together as a family to resolve this problem.

Encourage discussions about beliefs and values. Kids often act on what they perceive their parents' values to be. Make them well-known to your children by demonstrating and discussing them in an open manner rather than preaching.

Allow others into your family life. Children often benefit from relationships with other trustworthy adults in addition to good parent-child relationships. Let family, friends, clergy, or health professionals know that your family could use some help.

Of course, the best crisis intervention is often "prevention". These techniques are also useful for maintaining closeness when there is not an immediate family crisis. Families will be healthier and better able to weather the challenges of life if they already have some of these techniques in place. It's never too late to start building family strengths and preparing for upcoming challenges.

Most of us have seen the movie, "Twister." We've sat on the edge of our seats, watching the scientists portrayed on the screen deliberately try to track down and penetrate to the heart of these terrifying storms. If only they could learn more about the way they start. What keeps them going? How do they build up so much energy? With better answers to these questions, scientists hope to better predict tornados and maybe even eliminate or at least minimize them.

Interestingly, in the field of family science, there are dedicated researchers attempting a very similar work. These men and women are doing all they can to study another kind of life-devastating storm--divorce. Their reports have been frightening. Ten years ago family scientists were routinely finding that one in two first marriages in the United States were ending in divorce. Some found indications of failure rates as high as 67%--two out of three. Even though, in more recent years, the divorce rate seems to be leveling off, our knowledge of the consequences continues to grow. The aftermath of these "storms" are far more wide-spread that any rash of tornados could ever be. In the wake of divorce, a path of trauma is left that affects the people involved for years and years to come. Research has shown that adults who have divorced suffer increased rates of physical illness, accidents, suicide, and homicide. The children caught in these circumstances suffer from much higher rates of depression, withdrawal, poor social and school performance, and health problems than children from intact homes. Even as adults, individuals who suffered through their parents divorce may carry emotional scars that can handicap their efforts to create a successful marriage for themselves. This handicap comes from their fear of repeating their parent's experience and can actually turn on them and create a "self-fulfilling" prophecy. The storm can begin from within, fed by fears. What if we're always sparring over everything? What if we don't do things with each other very often? What if I don't think to do something kind for him/her every time he/she does something for me or vice-versa? Surely, we're on the high-road to divorce. Aren't we?

Fortunately, some of the most recent, comprehensive studies of marital relationships are providing answers that can go a long way toward defusing these fears. It is being discovered that many of the most satisfying marriages around don't always look like the model of the perfect, validating, affirming "happy-ever-after" bonded couple. For example, here are just three of the facts about how diverse stable marriages can be:

Just because you and your partner display a lot of emotion and find yourself on opposite sides of a lot of issues, doesn't mean you're mismatched. Many couples actually enjoy debating, exploring, and expressing different opinions. These kind of couples may seem too emotional and explosive to others, but watch carefully. These couples are not fighting. Neither one is attacking the other personally. There's still a sparkle in their eye for one another and they are both as dedicated to each other as they are to their opinions.

Just because you and your partner have different interests, hobbies, or causes, doesn't mean you're not right for each other. What really matters is that you love and admire each other, whether in close quarters or from "afar." Distance doesn't necessarily make the heart grow fonder, but neither does obsession to be together. Well adjusted, stable couples are not so absorbed in each other. They're enjoying life together, side-by-side, as comfortable friends, tethered by a deep commitment to each other that is reciprocal, not rigid.

If you and your partner aren't always doing thoughtful, kind, "second mile" things for each other, your marriage is most likely just fine. Research has shown that crazy as it may sound, it is couples who are in distress, who are unstable who give "tit-for-tat" and keep any kind of score. Kindness is spontaneous and not necessarily balanced between stable couples.

Evidence continues to mount that what makes a marriage last is what we believe about our marriage, far more than how we behave. This, of course, does not mean that our actions and behaviors aren't important, too. Even so, it appears that it is the invisible clouds of negativity, jumping to conclusions, and assuming the worst about our marriage that can create the swirling whirlwind of fear that builds upon itself and threatens to tear families apart. Hopefully, armed with the truths listed here, couples desiring a life-time commitment can make a conscious choice to stay together. The solution is to make a conscious decision to stop the spin of those fears with facts such as the three just described. They create, instead, a positive spiral of increased hope, optimism and commitment to each other and to the marriage itself.

Most of us are familiar with the statement, made by Hillary Clinton, "It takes a village to raise a child." While that may be a fact in cultures that have villages, it can leave those of us in cultures that stress nuclear families feeling pretty discouraged. After all, there aren't many cohesive social groups that could be considered the "modern nations'" equivalent of a village. In fact, for some of us, even our extended family doesn't live close enough to do much to help us raise our children. Often two parents struggle along, more or less isolated in the privacy of their own home, trying to be everything their children need. And then there's the greatest challenge of all--when either because of death or divorce a parent is single. The fact, unfortunate as it may be, is that the majority of the children in America will live in single parent homes at some time in their lives. These are realities we live with. While we all wish that each of us lived in an ideal situation where every child had at least two caring parents--it is not real for many of us. Many parents are struggling to reach their children--whether with or without their spouse's support. Many children spend a great deal of time unsupervised by either of their parents. We all see children like this everyday. We know them as our students and our neighbors. Often we wonder if there's any reason to reach out or try to be friends with these young people.

Family research indicates that the answer to that question is a resounding YES! Sometimes it doesn't take a "village" of people to positively affect a child's future. There is evidence, in fact, that it may only take one positive relationship with a caring adult-figure to instill the quality of relationship resiliency in a child and give him or her the adequate model he or she needs to create positive relationships of their own as adults. A relationship--just one (though more is better, of course)--that can give a child hope must above all not be abusive or exploitive of the child's best interest. In fact, there are five characteristics that mark a good nurturing relationship extended towards a child by an adult in their life, whether that adult is a parent, a relative, a teacher, or a neighbor.

TRUST: Trust comes from being consistent and honest with a child. It also comes from being respectful and courteous towards them. Trust is also built when on occasion the adult can be appropriately self-disclosing, sharing examples of their own humanness and vulnerability at times.

ACCEPTANCE: Acceptance in a relationship is often called "unconditional love." As adults, we need to define children positively--by their potential, not by their current immature behavior. This doesn't mean that we have to approve of all their choices. It does mean that we realize they are trying on choices and that if we can demonstrate love towards them, they are more likely to eventually admire and adopt our life style. You can value and esteem the child, even while not embracing or even encouraging their actions.

EMPATHETIC LISTENING: Listen not only to the child's words, but try to identify and feel his or her feelings. Remember your own struggles, fears, hopes, and dreams at the same stage of life. Don't be quick with advice, or fixes. Listen, listen, and then listen. When you share thoughts, express them as "take-it-or-leave-it" suggestions, not demands or ultimatums.

EMPOWERMENT: Respect the child's creativity and individuality. Encourage it. Ask the child for advice sometimes. Give him or her the opportunity to make decisions, choices, mistakes--and then help them sort out, understand, and grow from those experiences. Always hold up to them, with words, a vision of them succeeding at life.

ENJOYMENT: Enjoy the child. Enjoy being with them. Whatever you're doing--whether you have a lot of time or money to spend on them or with them, find the fun in being with them. Find delight in them--not what either of you are doing.

While there are indications that the earlier in life a child can form even one relationship with these kind of qualities the better, there are also indications that it's never too late. If the child you are thinking of is older, it may be harder, but it isn't impossible. We need to never give up on any child. There is every indication one person, one relationship most definitely can help "raise" a child by raising their hopes, their expectations, and their esteem of themselves. You, alone, can greatly influence the raising of a child. Let's start today!.

As the national lifetime divorce rate continues to linger around the fifty-percent mark, more communities and states may be compelled to make divorce education to parents mandatory. These types of classes have been shown to effectively assist parents in dealing with the problems of divorce and especially how they can help their children cope with the divorce. At present, approximately 41% of communities surveyed in the United States have mandatory divorce education programs. Utah implemented just such a class nearly five years ago and it is required for all parents seeking a divorce in the state.

The effects of divorce on children have long been debated in scientific research, as well as the popular press. Studies in the 1970's indicated divorce had a devastating impact on children. Later studies in the 1980's indicated that divorce had no significant influence on children. Many of these studies were flawed by looking only at children who were brought to counseling centers or restricted to children from white, middle class families. Most reports failed to provide an accurate picture of what was actually happening with children. More careful studies have been conducted in the past ten years that have helped to clarify the influence's divorce has on children. One of the common themes discovered in the new generation of research is that it is not the divorce itself that has the most impact on how well children perform in life.

According to Dr. Thorana Nelson, director of the Marriage and Family Therapy program and clinic at Utah State University in Logan, Utah, and a practicing family therapist, there are well adjusted and poorly adjusted children in both divorced and intact families. Dr. Nelson states, "The most important factor seems to be parental conflict, not [parents marital] status. Parental conflict, in general, is hard on children." Parental conflict has been consistently associated with poor child outcomes such as depression and declined academic performance as well as increases in problem behaviors. These problems become exaggerated when parental divorce in added to the picture. Numerous studies indicate that how well or how poorly the children adjust to the divorce is directly related to the level of parental conflict.

To combat the effects of conflict in divorce on children, Utah requires parents to attend a three hour class. The class is designed to assist parents in gaining skills to facilitate their children's adjustment during and following the divorce. The class covers such meaningful topics as the importance of reducing parental conflict, the need for both parents to be active participants in the children's life, developmental concerns for children, and the impact of divorce from the children's perspective. The class is offered in various locations around the state. According to Dr. Trent Wentz, Director of Services for Bear River Mental Health, the provider of the class in Box Elder, Cache, and Rich counties of northern Utah, "It is critical that parents put aside their anger, hurt, and loss when the relationship fails, at least temporarily, for the sake of the children." Dr. Wentz urges parents to let their children know that "both parents are still their parents and will always love them."

One important question remains to be answered- does the class work? Utah is currently evaluating the effectiveness of the program through research being conducted at Utah State University. Dr. John Arbuthnot and Dr. Donald Gordon at The Center for Divorce Education in Athens, Ohio, have examined the effectiveness of parental divorce education for the past eight years. Their results consistently find that educating parents significantly reduces the amount of parental conflict children are exposed to. Parents who participate in divorce education classes also report feeling less angry with their ex-spouse, an increased willingness to let the children spend time with their ex-spouse, less attorney and court involvement, and children experience fewer school absences and visits to the doctor. Other studies indicate the skills covered in the class last for at least two years, providing evidence that there is long term benefit to both parents and children to attending this class.

More information on education for divorcing parents and children is available by contacting the Shared Parenting for Divorcing Parents Program at the Administrative Office of the Courts, P.O. Box 140241, Salt Lake City, UT 84114-0241 or The Center for Divorce Education at P.O. Box 5900, Athens, OH 45701. The Center for Divorce Education is also available on-line at: www.divorce-education.com.